Am I Still Ill?

The End Of An Era

Well, I saw the psych and I must say, he was pretty kind and caring, and spent a full hour with me and my care coordinator and a junior, talking over my options. He didn’t offend me this time lol. So I don’t feel so critical of him any more.

The upshot of our discussion was that I would try a combo of fluoxetine (prozac) 20mg, with olanzapine 5mg. And may the good Lord have mercy on my soul. Especially given that the first common side effect of olanzapine is weight gain (it’s notorious) and the first one of Prozac is insomnia. Sigh.

Mind you I don’t seem to gain a lot of weight these days, nor do I lose much, if any. I am stably unhealthy and obese.

I also went for my fasting blood test on Tuesday morning. So now I await the glad tidings that yeah, I am diabetic. Fingers crossed that I’m wrong, but I’ve a shedload of symptoms which could easily be down to that.

And this morning it was my last session with Theo my floating support worker. He’s off to a new job helping ebola sufferers. Good luck Theo…and thanks for all the fish, mate. You were fabulous.

I feel strangely upbeat this evening. Could the prozac have kicked in already?

Also went to enrol at Camden and Islington Recovery College. Was impressed. They seem to have everything the local one doesn’t. Principal among them being ‘people who want to go to it’.

I’ve become very parochial, but at least I guess I belong in this little niche I’ve carved out for myself. I’m still not very well and cognitively somewhat enfeebled. If this blog seems lacklustre, that would probably be why.

Can’t Stop Eating!

…but have got to find a way. I FEEL diabetes in my bones and flesh…the prickling of the skin, the flushing of the face, the need to urinate, wounds that are sore and slow to heal, a cold that won’t clear up, and always the uncontrollable insatiable fucking hunger!

Reading back over the last posts it’s quite clear I have an issue with food which is responsible for a lot of this fatigue and other symptoms (not necessarily the insomnia though).

I am facing chronic degenerative physical illness for the first time in my life and it doesn’t look good or feel good.

Yeah a part of me, let’s face it quite a big part of me might not want to even be on this planet. But eating my way to even more disability is not an efficient way to accomplish that goal. I am just slowly destroying myself, infinestimally slowly, it could take freaking decades of being physically AND mentally fucked up and I can’t go there. I really can’t.

One small silver lining is that a vegan diet is supposed to be good for diabetes. Naturally not the kind of vegan diet that features a lot of white flour, fat and sugar mind. But plenty of veggies = good for sure.

If I can find the energy I am going to try and get to Overeaters Anonymous tomorrow. It helped me a lot years ago. I’ve never been in such poor health ever, and I feel somewhat ashamed that it is my own lack of self-control that has brought me to this. At the same time, I frankly am a food addict, I am simply not in control of this at the moment, and it won’t help to start beating myself up for that.

Bloody Sunday

Not too bad a day yesterday. Was very fatigued and restless as usual, went out very early in the morning, travelled across London in search of an early breakfast, settled for a McDonalds in Denmark Hill or somewhere, ended up at South Ken, caught the tube back to Finsbury Park, was dozing off all the way, it was sooo uncomfortable.

Been spending too much money on takeaways and breakfasts and getting cabs lately, as a result am somewhat skint, sigh.

Reached back home around 10am, didn’t make it out of the house again after that. This fact was made bearable by a lengthy nap  in the afternoon. I had lentil stew and a jacket potato for lunch. I’d been intending to get to my protest group meeting in the evening, but in the end I could not be arsed and ordered yet another Indian takeaway instead.

Don’t feel too much different without the abilify yet.

Anyone who has ever hated, envied or resented me (you know who you are), have fun lol. I am pretty much down and out these days. I feel as if I am well and truly looking my age, and I certainly feel it. Actually, 53? More like 83, which is actually my mother’s age (she’s in better shape than I am by a long way). I am pre-diabetic. I have fuck all energy. I am cognitively impaired. I hang out on suicide forums and chatrooms. Happy now?

At the end of the day when you are only very tenuously connected to the ‘will to live’, it’s hard to care too much about your health.

Even my Mum appears to have given up her weekly phone calls. Not heard from my son. It’s all fine. Let me slip away . But it’s 4.00am on Monday morning now, my favourite time of the week, and later today I start my philosophy classes at the Mary Ward Centre.

OK That’s It

It’s not working out with Abilify. I’m gonna come off it. F*** insomnia every night, akathisia (restlessness, inability to sit still), uncontrollable food cravings, loss of focus and concentration and feeling utterly shattered and sluggish, barely able to walk down the friggin’ road. F*** falling asleep in my classes and being unable to follow what’s being said even when it’s relatively simple.

I’m just done with this drug, and not very impressed at the great minds that dreamt it up. Surely with all their knowledge and funds they can do better than market such a potentially damaging and debilitating substance?

Hopefully I will get to see the consultant early this week as an emergency. I will ask to go back on something like seroquel or lamictal or both. Trying to manage life meds-free no longer seems to be an option for me. I have a very persistent kind of depression nowadays that first kicked in several years ago. It may be partly my age, hormones, physiological considerations like blood sugar issues. Am due to go for a fasting blood test, haven’t been able to do so because of all the abilify drama.

All is not lost though. I don’t feel too downhearted. Just looking forward to a relief from these hideous side effects. Search for the miracle drug or combo continues!

New Hope

11am: Middle of night and wish the chatroom wasn’t so depressing. I can’t help missing the daftness of the ones I got banned from, but there’s nothing I can do about that. At least now I understand the real reason I got banned (which I can’t divulge here) it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Those of you who don’t suffer insomnia and partake of the joys of chatrooms will probably not fully understand.

Slept three hours…felt refreshed. But it’s not enough.

5.50am: I slept two more times! Yay! I got, in all probably about seven hours!! Did I need it! I feel rested. My cold feels better. I’ll probably be OK to go to drama today and anything else I want to do. Yippee! Maybe , just maybe, I’m finally getting used to the abilify?

And I noticed my eating was a little more controlled too this last 24 hours. Those are the two main concerns, sleeping (or rather not) and eating. Maybe, just maybe this could work.

More Abilify Tales

I’m using this blog as a diary of my sleep etc at the moment. How I’m doing on this drug Abilify.

It packs a punch that little blue pill (I’m only on 5mg).

I got a total of four hours sleep last night. Ended up travelling into town on the bus because I was so restless and unable to focus on a book, internet, anything. Went to McDonalds near Charing Cross, it’s always thronging at that time of night with clubbers etc (11.30pm). My ravenous appetite is a big concern given that I am already clinically obese. I basically never feel totally satisfied and have cravings for very fattening junk foods…it’s extremely hard to resist.

I didn’t really feel like walking around so waited at the bus stop for the N91. Noticed that no buses were coming to the stop. Apparently there was some kind of accident in Trafalgar Square. Moved to another stop, it was the same story there, got the N29 in the end after waiting for an hour.

The bus ride home was rather uncomfortable as the bus was packed and I kept sort of dozing off. Something peculiar happens, I can’t distinguish my dreaming from my waking state. The dreams on Abilify are very vivid and I think they’re real until I open my eyes.

Had to get a cab home from Wood Green.

Crazy way to be living but sometimes you gotta do ‘whatever gets you through the night’, right peeps?

Better Day…

I managed to get a bit more sleep and felt correspondingly more energised today. I decided on balance to keep taking Abilify for a bit longer and see if the side effects settle down. Did food shopping…walked there and back without weakening and getting a cab.

Went out again to see peer support worker at the Recovery Service. He’s a really nice guy, we filled in my Care Plan together. Chatted with fellow addicts in the sunshine of the back yard…that was a highlight.Then I was supposed to attend a class in Psychology there, but the chairs were too comfortable, I knew quite a lot of the material, I just couldn’t keep awake and alert so I asked to leave.

Went off by myself to Hackney and had a delicious vegan lasagne in the Black Cat vegan cafe. The peeps there are so nice, it’s a really peaceful soothing place to go. They have books, magazines and vegan foodstuffs on sale.

Abilify Dilemma

How much longer can my body and mind take the ravages of Abilify side effects?

As usual I slept two hours on various sedatives and am wide awake in the middle of the night.

A friend asked rhetorically how long I can go on like this. He gets it because he lives in his own state of quiet desperation.

The fatigue reached an all-time high yesterday. I had to catch a cab again to get out of the house, and could not go on the walking group. The result of which was a day spent largely in limbo and isolation, with the exception of my Support Worker’s visit.

The restlessness and low attention span are equally horrid.

I may take myself off this peculiar drug today. Then observe what happens. It’s been over three weeks now…I don’t think I have the strength to continue like this.

Knackered

Been reading the site ‘ask a patient’, there’s many many ‘reviews’ of Abilify. Fairly scary stuff. It’s crazy how some of us are forced to live because this world sucks  so badly we have to be drugged up to bear it.

How much longer can I risk more weight gain on top of my existing clinical obesity and high blood sugar? Can I learn to tolerate the lack of focus and concentration? Will the sleep pattern/insomnia settle down? Am I even capable of losing weight anymore after years of pumping these toxins through my body?

Yet there’s no question Abilify is EXTREMELY  efficacious against the depressed mood and has put me into a much more desirable mindset. On that score it’s remarkable.

Today I was absolutely shattered. Had to take a cab to the mental health centre where I had an appointment to see the new psychologist. He was a heavily built, tall Yugoslav. I liked him but was almost falling off my chair with exhaustion and at the same time, restlessness. We had to cut the session short.

I want to enrol at the Mary Ward Centre in central London for a philosophy class (Nietzsche). But was physically unable to face the journey and ended up having a couple of blissful naps on the sofa at home instead. Abilify is also supplying me with colourful and interesting dreams lol.

Another Beautiful Day

The brief fling with the dodgy guy predictably came to an abrupt end with a heated exchange of texts lol! I am a master of the cutting, vitriolic text, not an accomplishment I can take any pride in whatsoever but frankly he deserves worse.

Why are assholes like him happily enjoying their existences while so many good people suffer and want to die? He’s also scared of me, scared of what I might do…hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and all that (not that he particularly scorned me, more the other way around). He’s paranoid basically.

It’s another beautiful day. I am still full of cold but with the help of substances ‘achieved’ two sleeps of two and three hours respectively.

I always wake up these days profoundly relieved at having managed to lose consciousness for a bit. I somewhat envy the type of depressive who goes to bed and sleeps all the hours god sends. Strange thing to envy, but I have altogether too much time on my hands given that I can’t focus on much, feel constantly restless and am mentally (hyper)active. Boredom and frustration have been my unwanted companions for a very long time.

At least I’m expressing myself and posting on the forums now, and the chats (and here). Before Abilify I didn’t even have the courage to do that, was too shit scared of rejection or getting a bad response.

Thought I Was In Lerve

Could that guy have spiked my drink with dizzle?

What in heaven’s name is dizzle, I hear my gentle reader cry. I think it’s basically the same thing as ‘molly’, better known as ecstasy or MDMA. Coz I sure feel spaced out today and as for yesterday…it was just as if he cast a spell on me. I have a history with this guy unfortunately, none of it good.

But he’s every bit as sneaky and untrustworthy as he ever was…plus outright abusive, the way he continually nags at me about everything I do.

Ah well I had a few precious hours in lala land I guess.

My cold is still running away, and coughing, it’s a right pain, yet I’ve been out all day long. Saw psych, got patronised by the new girl and yes, she is a girl, nothing more. I had NO CONFIDENCE in her knowledge to be perfectly honest, and I objected to her manner though I didn’t say anything to her face. Perhaps Dr Douglas is her mentor, she’s getting that breezy condescending air down to a fine art already.

She didn’t want to prescribe me anything in addition to the Abilify. Fair enough, probably the right thing to do. I told her, the medical student and my care coordinator far more than they ‘needed to know’ about my suicide plans and such.

Some might say it shows I want help and to be ‘saved’ from suicide. But it’s not really that. I am just an honest open person who doesn’t keep secrets too well, and also feel that if they don’t know what I’m actually doing/taking, they have little chance of being able to help me. There again looks like I just contradicted myself. I want help. I just don’t want anyone to talk me out of suicidal thoughts and ideas. They are my hobby and a big part of my identity nowadays.

Got Company

Hi Peepity Peeps. I had company last night and he’s still sleeping. It’s nice to have another human presence even if it’s unconscious right now.

I slept two shifts as usual last night…two hours in the evening, then about three hours from 4am till 7. So that’s actually not bad, I feel rested.

I had to stay in most of the day yesterday nursing this horrible cold, had to skip drama which is a shame. My physical ailments interfere too much with my activities these days unfortunately. When the fatigue strikes there’s really not a lot I can do, and I’m spending an arm and a leg on cabs coz sometimes that’s the only way I can get myself out of the house.

Where I live there is a lengthy walk to the nearest bus stop. My street is wondrously quiet and right next to a giant park, but the downside of being off the beaten track is I can’t easily access civilisation.

Oh F***

I slept precisely two hours last night despite taking 3 different sedatives. I’m not really full on hypomanic or anything though. Could this really be that tiny little blue pill of 5mg Abilify doing all this? Wow, that’s some powerful drug.

I’distracted myself with chatrooms. They can be invaluable for that, especially given that my attention span for movies, books etc is precisely nil at such times. There’s only one I really like though. F*** you crisis-chat (so mature). I don’t need your nonsense, bitchiness and sex obsession no more. You did me a favour banning me.

It’s a beautiful sunny day. I wonder if I can muster the energy for my drama group this afternoon. Still full of cold, so at least I have an excuse if I don’t go.

Slept

Thank God I slept last night. Feel much better for it. And yes I took a banned substance in desperation, to do so, relaxation tapes and chamomile tea wouldn’t have cut it I’m afraid.

The doc won’t prescribe me anything except antihistamines. Well she went to the trouble of dropping a script off at the chemist so the least I can do is go and pick the stuff up and give it a try I guess.

Am on a couple of chatrooms, not really mad about either but sometimes I just need a distraction and some company in the night when sleep has failed me yet again.

I use e-cigs and wonder if the nicotine could be causing some of the problem of high blood sugar etc. But I love them and don’t want to give them up. I suppose I could at least reduce the nicotine levels gradually. I’m on a medium dose at the moment.

Sorry that this blog isn’t too thrilling.

I Can’t Sleep

My sleeping is off the map at the moment. This is getting freaking ridiculous. I stay asleep for maybe two hours if I’m lucky. I’m fatigued all day. Could it be the dreaded sleep apnoea?

I don’t even know if I snore but I know I have on occasion in the past…and  the abuse of sedatives, the fact that I had ovarian cysts and am clinically obese could all be risk factors.

I’m going to the doc tomorrow morning first thing. I really can’t go on like this.

Still Single

You know that old saying that you wait for a bus for a half hour and then three come along at once?

Suddenly I’ve become aware that my life could possibly be improved by having some ‘love interest’. And there are AT LEAST two guys who are circling me currently, testing out the waters so to speak.

Neither of them is ideal though I do like them as people.

And no there’s no one I’ve particularly got my eye on yet. But at least I am seeing that I don’t have to stay on the shelf forever I guess. That I do at least have choices. It’s very flattering in all honesty. But I don’t want or need a roll in the hay. I’m thinking long term, someone with whom I have plenty of common ground. Who has a cat in hell’s chance of sticking with me through the inevitable ups and downs.

It may be a long shot. But I’m cautiously optimistic.

The Recovery Service

This is the Haringey recovery from addiction training-and-therapy arm…a ton of classes, groups, therapy, support, counselling, all held in the premises that used to house HAGA the Haringey Allcohol Service as was.

I was assessed to join them today. I’m pretty excited about it. It’s just what I’ve been needing and wanting. And what the local mental health services don’t and never did provide (but they are more pitiful than ever).

I have also joined a protest group to write letters to the Council and otherwise protest what happened to the Clarendon Centre and highlight the unsupported plight of sufferers of severe mental illness in this borough.

Giving in to Insomnia

Yeah peeps, let’s drink coffee and let it have its head.

Seem to have a lot on my mind. Publicly aired my feelings about the chatroom bans on Suicide Project. Admin guy came there to comment. Now at last at fecking last I understand the real reason I was banned. Yet again I am the freaking scapegoat for someone else’s idiocy and incompetence.

Unfortunately the tendency to become manic/psychotic will always ALWAYS leave me vulnerable to becoming some sort of fall guy to these kinds of people.

What makes me feel slightly better about it is that…hot damn. I can’t tell you that because it compromises someone else’s privacy. Someone I actually care for deeply. Someone who is also vulnerable. Nuff said.

I found another suicide chatroom. It’s not full of peeps tearing each other down and sexually harassing women. But it is full of seriously distressed peeps who want to end their freaking lives. And that’s no longer really me.

Look at that selfie. I’m STROOOOONG! (Also a bit of a narcissist, but that’s well documented). I actually have quite a lot going for me though. I’m not beaten yet.

Having said that I still prefer to be around sad peeps than ‘happy’ ones. I am fundamentally melancholic.

I’ve been very sociable the last few days. It’s good I still have that option. Reading the sad peeps’ stories, so many of them folks, so many, I realise how much worse my life could be. And yeah, I get a little perspective.

First Selfie Published Here

Total Paranoia

Aaaargh. Was multiply banned from 2 chatrooms and a forum. Supposedly supportive sites for suicidal peeps. Was manic at the time. Am the ONLY person permanently banned from at least one of the chats.

Was readmitted to the forum a few weeks subsequent to my ban. The two chatrooms were not linked to but sort of offshoots of, the forum.

Am blogging on android phone coz feeling very triggered by a discussion I had with the admin guy who banned me.

This guy’s actions caused me a great deal of pain. Was very depressed over it to be honest.

It’s been quite traumatic.

I have no real comeback except to move on with my life, be ‘awesome’ and give these assholes the finger.

As noted in a previous post this is one place I feel safe. Where I am pretty much guaranteed not to be banned.

What kind of person gets banned from suicide sites? Trolls. Abusive people. But that wasn’t me. And it fucking hurt to be outcasted by my own people. I have to acknowledge the hurt, heal from it, understand and move on.

Blogging on phone in bed. Scuse text speak.

The Joys of Abilify

Hi Peeps. Time for an update I guess. I have been a remiss blogger lately. Truth be told I was suicidally depressed most of the time. Last week I kind of cracked and went to see the psych. I was given abilify and have been on it for eight days now. It’s one that kicks in very quickly…and wow, yeah, I no longer feel depressed! The downside (there has to be one) is restlessness/fatigue/sleep disturbance. Also have to watch out for my blood sugar which is already elevated.

So here I am, early hours, bit bored. I was banned from a favourite chatroom while manic and haven’t been readmitted, but it’s probably for the best in all honesty. I found another one that I like, but I am not big on chatrooms. I can’t stand the banality most of the time. I only really like them when I’m a bit hypo and compulsively communicative/bored.

My attention span is not of the best lately. I can’t seem to make it through a movie or doc without considerable restlessness. I’m still reading books sporadically though, having recently rediscovered the joys of same. Internet often bores me these days. All life is there but I guess I’m not interested in all life.

I’m gradually accumulating groups and stuff to do. In the process of looking for voluntary work. Still have my wonderful Floating Support Worker Theo. He is currently supporting me to fill in my DLA form, as it’s up for renewal. He’s coming later this morning.

Weather at the moment I have to admit is gorgeous, springlike, not too hot, just how I like it. And it’s going to continue for the next week I heard. I am trying to keep on a vegan diet as much as possible. Abilify is giving me a raging appetite for junk food though so it’s not easy.

My boy is doing pretty well. He has been engaging with his studies. There could be no single thing he could do that is more calculated to make me happy lol. He’s also got into going to the gym. I haven’t actually set eyes on him for probably a year, but we’ve been talking on the phone a fair bit. Mum also well. Was down there for the weekend and we visited Dungeness Bird Sanctuary. That was so lovely and peaceful.

Love you Peeps.