Am I Still Ill?

Bizarreness

M continues to amaze and confound me by turns. I have never met anyone remotely like him. So many different faces. So many distinct personalities. Such a performer. A natural.

I too have many different faces and have inhabited many different dimensions while in ‘mania’. I continue to have some visions even now I’m ‘stable’ and often I think my face is like a blank screen on which can be projected whatever the observer needs to see…

The turn my life has taken since last Christmas with the episode of the Romanians and M coming into my life is, at times exciting and at others, extremely scary. There is no script, no blueprint and no obvious role model. A lot of the time I feel guided, sometimes actually possessed, but there are also times of deep doubt and even despair.

It can also be incredibly lonely. There are inevitably times when M needs his own space and I can be left in some doubt as to the reality of our relationship in his absence. He is so extraordinary that I need his actual presence to confirm the reality of who he is and where I fit in to it all.

I know it all sounds crazy folks, but believe me, I spare you a great deal of what actually passes between me and M, because I don’t want to turn you off even more!

Bizarre would be an understatement.

And as a lifelong feminist and would be independent woman I find myself watching my man as if the sun really did shine out of his backside.

God knows what it’s really all about. And I mean that quite literally…

Heaps love. X

Early Morning Meditation

Lord of life.

Help me reconcile the many different dimensions I inhabit.

You gave me visions. May they never even indirectly cause harm to anyone. Give me the strength to operate effectively on the earthly plane.

Mundane reality can be so challenging Lord.

You helped me yesterday. I had some close and loving time with my son with your Grace. That meant so much to me Lord. Also I found that I was once again able to read a book after many months when I lacked attention and focus, and at times feared that I was permanently losing my marbles.

Yesterday and today I feel that I am not. That it was a temporary state because so much of my energy was going somewhere else Lord…

You brought someone into my life Lord to whom I could relate on a spiritual as well as physical level. I am so grateful for M Lord. If it is your will may we continue to help and support each other along our respective, difficult paths.

M inspires me by his simple powerful faith in You.

He seems able to cope with my moments, sometimes whole days, of deep doubt and even despair. I seem able to handle his difficulties, but only with your Grace and constant help Lord. It’s not an easy path. But it feels right for me.

M has taught me that You created evil as well as good Lord. Everything is under Your hand. You have in Your gift the treasures of darkness as well as light.

He has taught me about your terrible side Lord.

You have so many faces and you made us in your image Lord.

You are all love. You are all terror and darkness.

Watch over M and keep him safe Lord and empower me to do the same.

Watch over my son J at this most challenging time in his young life. Empower me to do whatever is best for him and to prove and show my enduring mother’s love at every step.

Thank you for your swift answer to my prayers yesterday. Give me the strength to endure the sometimes terrible suffering that accompanies the gifts you gave me.

May I live up to the powers you invested in me Lord. Teach me humility in whatever way you think best. Sometimes the most valuable lessons are only learned through suffering. You bring me so very low. You also raise me up and give me the strength to endure it.

With so very much love. Z X (more…)

Very Happy

Very happy folks. Very happy. Cos M and I still together, cos things seem to be working out, cos for a while I was scared I was going to have to lose him, cos I thought maybe the whole thing was a psychosis fuelled folly and cos now I realise it wasn’t…

I’d invested so much. Financially, but that was a drop in the ocean compared to the emotional investment…

I threw everything I had at this one folks, and if that didn’t work out, well I didn’t quite see how I would pick myself up off the floor and find the will to live again.

All the posts about our developing intimacy. And I would have to admit it was largely projection, mania, whatever.

I was a woman in desperate need of a partner. It may well turn out to make all the difference between a life back and forth from the mental health ward and a fulfilled and happy, stable one.

And that will all work out to the benefit of my son, who needs a happy fulfilled mother, not a desperate, manically depressed one…

Anyone see what I’m driving at?

Take care folks and thanks for reading…XXX

Scruples and Scrupulosity

Hi Peeps. Is my life a fit subject for public scrutiny? You decide! It is my life, I don’t make stuff up here, I love to write and communicate and deeply appreciate that anyone is interested enough to read it…

I’m aware that my anonymity is slightly compromised, and therefore that of my son. I don’t care who knows this stuff about me, but the moral issue is that my son might. However he has said in the past that he doesn’t.

I don’t want to compromise his privacy by talking too much about recent developments in his life, but he is in a residential care home quite near where I live and not too happy about it.

I’ve realised my priority number one is now to do my utmost to be in a position to have him come back and live with me as he has expressed a wish to do. He doesn’t want any more foster placements.

I spent one day in an awful blue funk about the relationship with M, a very high maintenance guy, facing that I was addicted to this relationship and that it might come down to a choice between him and my son.

But yesterday I met with him again and it seemed to me that I needn’t make such a devastating choice. If I did have to make such a choice my conscience would naturally dictate that I choose my son, but what I prefer to do is accommodate the needs of my son by making sure that M doesn’t impinge on his life.

We are no longer living in each others’ pockets, though we see each other every day. I am happier in the relationship than out of it, as M is extremely special to me and I need a partner in my life.

However the challenges to both of us are above and beyond what most people face. We both have a serious mental health condition. We’ve both been repeatedly abandoned by partners, or had to abandon them.

This and many other similarities in our make up are what makes this relationship so compelling to me. We’re a pair of desperadoes. I am powerfully drawn to him. When it’s going well it’s fantastic. Maybe I can learn some coping strategies for his paranoid rages. Maybe God will intervene…

Z X

Could This Be Love

The last days were a tale of woe, depression, some agitation and being admitted to the Unit. I went down to my Mum’s place in a state of confusion and as a result of that she decided to come up and spend a few days with me here in London, while we would also attempt to get some contact with my son.

It went very badly at first. About as bad as it ever gets. Basically my Mum had made up her mind that I should ditch M, and instead of ditching, I let him come round and he was here when she arrived…

She experienced this as a betrayal on my part and a slap in the face. But I would be able to get no closure without seeing him again when I am at least kind of ‘on Planet Earth’. I had to know, was this a psychosis-fuelled folly or was there anything genuine there at all?

Anyway, in a blue funk of ‘total abandonment by everyone I ever loved including my mother’ I called M and he came round to see me at the Unit. We had some dinner in a restaurant and drove up around Ally Pally, saw a most beautiful, low, large moon.

The magic was still there, and I began to smile and laugh again.

Yeah we’re both not the full shilling. Yeah I’m very probably quite codependent, and he is prone to ongoing paranoid delusions and angry outbursts at times. We’re both grandiose at times.

Then again we were spending 24/7 living in each others’ pockets. I know now that we both need our own space. With some help and support from our respective staff who knows. It could still work.

There’s a good admixture of genuine feelings between us. But we both have to do our own thing and come together as and when, like ‘normal’ couples do.

The money issue is important. I can’t totally trust someone if they drain me financially and don’t pay back. He’s starting to pay back. He may come into a back payment of Social Security money. If that worked out he plans to pay me back for the car, and if it doesn’t he’ll pay in instalments, at least for half the car…

Glad I’m at the Unit. I’ve got the rather fabulous ‘penthouse suite’ at the top of the house. Own adjoining bathroom and no one else to share with.

Terribly sad that this stellar service in the dirty firmament of Haringey mental health is going to close in August due to funding cuts. I’m so grateful to Alexandra Road and its staff, despite a few blips when I was manic, for many years of care and support. Both staff and clients feel bereft. This place has undoubtedly saved lives over the approximately fifteen years since it opened. It’s shocking how low a priority the most vulnerable members of society really are.

There are no plans to replace it. The powers that be are indifferent to the suffering of those at the bottom of the heap…

Just wanna say right here, I am so grateful for the last two comments where some loyal readers affirmed the value of me and my blog.

I really do write here when I am in the fairly advanced stages of mania, down to the deepest depression. So it’s great that people can still relate to some degree and aren’t completely turned off by the manic excesses.

I can’t help being who I am. It’s too late in life to start being someone else, but I hereby pledge to keep trying to do my very best with what I’ve got.

What a difference a day makes. Mum and I amicable again. Thank God for that.

Heaps love folks. Z X

Relief and Regrets

I am on one level relieved to be back on my own. Peace and some level of control over my own environment. I felt squeezed out of M’s world toward the end, as his delusions etc took over more and more.

Yesterday I spent some time at home, rubbing coffee stains out of the carpet and doing other chores. The oppressive depressive feelings lifted as the day wore on. I decided to tough it out and sleep in my own bed rather than impose myself on my ex again. I’m glad now that M and I only used the back room to sleep in, so that my own bedroom remained sacrosanct and separate.

He bought me a new and more effective Hoover before he left, cleaned up and mowed the lawn. When I asked him to he came and removed all his stuff including his pictures on the wall, and left his keys.

This made things easier for me. From feeling downright afraid and ‘oh no, not again, exploited by a predator’ I’ve come round to thinking this time I hooked up with a basically good guy who is at the mercy of his own demons, addictive patterns and mental illness.

We’ve both agreed to meet with staff present to discuss our relationship on Tuesday. I want our split to be amicable as that is easier on both of us and I don’t feel angry with him. He did his best and was wonderful to me most of the time. But we were like two home alone toddlers trying to play house and clinging to each other like a life raft.

My Mum is glad to have the ‘real’ Zoe back. When I am manic and grandiose (and yeah, that is a very narcissistic state) she gets pretty mad with me and we can’t really relate at all…

My care coordinator’s swift actions yesterday resulted in me getting a place in the Crisis Unit. A close friend is currently staying there so that will be great.

My Mum is also coming up today and we both hope we will be able to meet with my son, but he is in hideaway and elusive mode and obviously still going through a lot.

Thank you La and Puppet for your kind comments on the last post. I want to keep writing. It is my main creative outlet and I love it.

I am still a bit compulsive with smoking and coffee drinking but addictive patterns are not usually persistent with me and in time I am sure I will get back to my normal clean living patterns.

Lots of love X

Oh Dear.

Things with M have gone pear shaped. The demons may have been a bit much for both of us this time.

He developed a jealous paranoid delusion about me and banned me from going to his place, which I had been doing pretty much daily.

I don’t know if the relationship is gonna survive this. It’s not looking good.

And depressed and confused as I am I had another unpleasant comment on my blog which I immediately took to heart.

The lady or man ‘kola bear’ says I am ‘an awful person’, because I am narcissistic and have ‘total disregard’ for anyone else. S/he disapproves of my ‘campaign’ against my ex-employers saying it was ‘pathetic’.

Look I’ve gotta say I know I’ve been narcissistic the last few months, but I’ve also been on a manic high and in the early loved-up stages of what looked like a promising relationship (at least to my manic mind).

But I nonetheless sense an agenda of some kind when an apparent stranger suddenly launches in with ‘you’re an awful person’.

This is the risk we take leaving ourselves open and unguarded in a public space. It’s a kind of confessional.

I’m a complex person kola bear. I can be many different things, probably including ‘awful’ at times, but so can everyone else.

I’m often a bit embarrassed myself when I look back at previous posts. And no bipolar person can be a stranger to that feeling of ‘Oh God, did I really say/do/think that?’

I did initially trash the comment as hate mail but I’m addressing it here, because, depressed as I am, it touched a nerve. I’ve also had two lovely comments, one by email from a friend who finds my writing ‘impressive and inspiring’. You pays your money… Naturally my mental state dictates that I would be preoccupied with the negative feedback.

I’m going to the Crisis Unit tomorrow.

Love X

It’s the Chemistry…

Both my parents had an inbred distrust of doctors which I have inherited. My life experience has confirmed me in this and hardened my attitude even more.

The objection I tend to have (and please, this is a generalism – there are good and bad apples in every bunch) is that doctors can be extremely arrogant. They arrogate to themselves godlike powers over life and death. Their training is mechanical, and they see the body as a machine malfunctioning.

Human beings are way more than just a body. We are way more than machines. We created machines, they did not create us.

So far so bleedin’ obvious…

Doctors have been responsible for attacking and in some cases destroying my and many of my friends’ lives… But I’m a survivor.

Doctors, more particularly psychiatrists, work for a system which is bent on repressing and denying spiritual experience, original thought, and the Word of God him/her/itself.

That’s a hell of a karmic load. Not something I would want to go to bed with.

The key word for all workers in the medical profession should always be humility. Let the patient guide you to the correct course of action. You are charged with great responsibility, so let that be allied with prayer and obedience to God or whatever Higher Power you conceive of.

I can authoritatively and conclusively state here that ‘mental illness’ is nothing to do with a chemical imbalance, and that to frame it in this way tells us nothing and merely mystifies everyone further.

Science does not, unfortunately, always clarify.

Unguided by human feeling, love and empathy for others’ suffering, science is capable of committing atrocious crimes against humanity. Just think of the experiements in the Nazi camps, or vivisection of mammals and other of God’s creatures.

I regret to inform you that this stuff makes Him very very mad indeed.

Since being with M I have become much more aware of the wrathful, jealous side of God. M often describes his ‘father’, or ‘Dad’, as a very serious God. It seems we won’t all be going to Heaven folks.

And as a rough guide to Judgment Day, those who are now last will later be first.

I tend to laugh and giggle too much for M at times. The trouble is I find him extremely, and effortlessly funny, even sometimes when his demons are on him. And his paranoid side kicks in and he thinks I am laughing at him in a demonic way.

But laughter and a sense of humour are just the weapons I have evolved in my own personal struggle against the forces of evil that have beset me in my life. I see comedy as a kind of martial art.

My God is love, primarily. Not judgment, not wrath, not retribution. But I respect M’s personal take on God as as perfectly valid as mine… even necessary. To fear God is the beginning of knowledge is something he likes to quote. To which I would respond, absolutely. But it’s not the middle or the end of knowledge.

Sometimes I am possessed by the wrath of God myself. I can quite literally scare people out of their wits when roused. Look at last year when my beloved ex partner Richard went to the lengths of getting police protection from my texts!

My love of hip hop with it’s frequently homicidal and suicidal messages, gunshots and explosions, is actually a very healthy outlet for my own aggression and anger. It energises and mobilises me, confirms to me my own reality of being in a state of spiritual warfare, and helps prevent me lapsing into self-attack, otherwise known as depression.

M and I are evolving a more healthy and mature pattern of relating. He can take his own space without blaming me for driving him away. This morning he went, but he kissed me first and said he’d see me later. He texted to say he loved me. And because I know he’s not angry with me I am totally at peace being here on my own. I might even get my ass down to DRA today, and I need to get a few things in town.

Take care folks. X

As The World Turns…

In the words of Mike Skinner ‘The Streets’, ‘There’s a world out there, but do I give a…’

I don’t folks. ‘I’m as cold as the cold wind blows/when it snows and it’s twenty below…’ (Eminem).

My world is with M. My world pretty much is M. That may be tearing up my own rule book as well as other people’s and flying in the face of common sense. But it’s a fact…

‘I never had no one ever’ (Morrissey). But now I have. For the first time in my entire life someone returns the love I give. With interest.

But love is a battlefield at times. And M in particular is torn apart at times by the demons that plague him and quite literally possess him. His demons spark off mine or at least cause me some grief.

I can only keep the faith. Pray to our Higher Power to have mercy on us both. We’ve come too far on this path to turn back now.

God help us.

X

Life of Riley Niggas

Yeah M and I have become virtually inseparable. And when our respective demons get off our backs we have a great time. He drives me around in our 2007 black Vauxhall Astra (upwardly mobile niggas) which also functions as our private space capsule. There we can play our hip hop (reggae, Choice FM, Magic, CD of the Day) full blast, and M is mixed race so no one can tell us off or to turn it down. We vibe most of the day away throwing shapes and doin’ moves when the spirit prompts.

We’re not rich or successful yet. In fact I’ve now taken on the role of Big Bad Watcher of the pennies. I go with him on his regular forays into clothes shops (a favourite haunt is Camden Town) and physically restrain him if necessary from acquiring yet another pair of must-have boots or jeans. Later on he’s glad of it…

Yesterday we had a gorgeous meal at Inspiral Lounge, an entirely vegan restaurant that backs onto the canal at Camden Lock. The ice creams there are trippy. We’re both into healthy food. M delights me in many ways, but I never thought I’d find a man who shared my love of soya milk which verges on an addiction for me. We both love our coffee. He even loves a good pudding folks! What a man what a man what a man what a mighty good man…

He has many fine manly attributes and skills, actually I discover new ones every day. But what makes M so different and special to me is his intense vulnerability and highly developed feminine side. When we first started hanging out together as friends on a daily basis for a while in the New Year period he was almost like my Gay Best Friend.

This guy cries. He shows his fear openly. That takes guts.

He is the greatest dancer I have ever seen. He watches himself in the mirror. He is the funniest man in the whole world. He’s a man child who often needs mothering, but he can also play the dad role to perfection. We both regularly regress to teenagers, kids or even babies or toddlers.

It would be wrong to imply that M and I are having too good a time of it and failing to live up to our so called responsibilities (our respective kids for instance).

Those who would judge us have no conception of the real nature of our lives or of who we are.

Out of the two of us I’m the ‘bigger picture’ nigga. He is an expert in living, loving and speaking freely and going with the flow of life. He gives me courage to follow where he leads. We egg each other on. I’m a loony and he’s a nutter and we’re way safer together than apart and alone.

He is a natural aristocrat with a yen to own property and lots of it. He has weirdly conservative leanings. I’m the rabid revolutionary radical with the more sophisticated political awareness.

Above all else, M is real. There is no ‘fronting’ with M. He sometimes lies for England when the situation seems to call for it but there’s not a hint of fakery there. He’s dedicated to just being who he is, and he loves himself. He really does.

Bottom line. M has suffered deeply and for a long time. He was incarcerated in a forensic mental health unit for ten years along with murderers and rapists for stealing a handbag when he was addicted to crack. He was subjected to demonic attacks daily when he was there and it was also a inhumane hellhole (he’s taken me there to see it several times, and the first time he wept).

Our intense spirituality born out of equally intense suffering (not to mention injustice) is what has drawn us closer together than either of us have ever been to anyone. I just didn’t know a love like this would ever be on the cards for me, even tho’ I’ve known M on the scene for sixteen years (we first met on the ward at St Ann’s hospital when I was pregnant with my son Jasper).

He wasn’t someone I ever thought would become my soul partner, although I did enjoy short bursts of his company over the years. Being with him was a little like tripping. I particularly remember being on the bus with him one day when he started ‘talking in tongues’…what happens when you are moved by the Holy Spirit apparently.

I still love it when he does that. I laugh my head off at his antics, and cold-hearted tho’ it may seem I sometimes even laugh at his demonic attacks. The other night we spent hours up at Accident and Emergency at Chase Farm Hospital because he went down with stabbing pains close to his heart and was writhing in agony thinking he was dying. I couldn’t help seeing the funny side may God forgive me. His heart turned out to be in good shape and the pain subsided while we were there with him all wired up to the ECG monitor.

To me it was obviously a demonic attack. A pulled muscle or something else would not have subsided so quickly. I know these kinds of physical attacks. They don’t follow normal rules. I’ve had all kinds of inexplicable pains, sometimes excruciating, which leave as suddenly and randomly as they arrived.

Do you believe in demons Zoe? Is mental illness demonic possession? Hah! I don’t believe in demons, I actually live with them and love them (just like it says in my tagline). And yeah, mental illness can be many things including demonic possession, but by that token we are all mentally ill, every last one of us. Demons are no respecters of persons.

Get to know your demons intimately folks. Don’t deny, attempt subjugation, repression, or ignorance. They will repay the kindness you show them. I’m living proof of that.

I know I’m off the wall. But forgive me folks. I’m in love.

Intimacy

Hi folks.

Am now blogging for the first time on our newly acquired laptop, kindly donated to us by M’s brother. There were some awkward brotherly skirmishes in getting the thing connected here at my gaff but thank God we finally prevailed without any blood on the carpet.

M is temperamentally extremely challenging at times but incredibly rewarding if you persist. Down the years with my ex I longed for more intimacy and we had our moments but at 48 years old I still lacked what my heart and soul was crying out for…a totally committed full time partner whom I could share my life with.

I will  always be grateful to my ex for those years. He is a great guy. We still have a strong bond of love and loyalty. But long term readers and followers of this blog will remember how our intimacy came to an end with a bang and not a whimper last year with a fairly extraordinary sequence of events. In other words it really did take quite a lot  to break us apart but break apart we finally did and now I know why and rejoice in the knowledge that it was all part of God’s wonderful and mysterious plan for both of us.

I woulld be lying if I said there haven’t been some extremely sticky moments with M. But we also fly so high together. It’s all I could ever have dreamed of and more.

I  never felt so encircled by anyone. A strong arm around me protecting me. Who also needs me and the protection I offer him. Every day is a new adventure. At risk of boring or making you naiuseous dear reader, I just love this man to bits. He is better than sliced bread by far. He is my medicine, my carer, my lover, my husband, my closest friend, my soul partner, my everything.

And every love song we’ve ever heard, hummed along to and loved seems to be about us.

Humbly I have to ask you dear reader if that is not a wonderful and miraculous outcome?