November | 2015 | Am I Still Ill?

When faced with my demons I clothe them and feed them…

Archive for November, 2015

Raising Merry Hell

Well peeps. What is there to say?

You would have to be certifiably dead not to notice that there is something in the air.

I’m having a fantastic time. No, I don’t party. I don’t go clubbing. I have associates, but not really friends. I don’t do drugs or alcohol. I don’t chat on the phone.

But my life has great purpose and meaning. Isn’t that true happiness, folks?

I live to sing and dance. It’s a shame to have to come back to the house to fecking sleep, coz I long to be back out there reinventing myself every day and imagining myself into the life that I always wanted.

Let me tell you what it’s not about. It’s not about power. It’s not about money. It’s not about fancy clothes and a ‘luxurious’ lifestyle. It ain’t diamond rings. I wouldn’t give you tuppence for one. It’s not about stupid tripped out weddings. It’s not about religion. It’s not about politics. It’s not about what YOU want. I don’t give a flying fuck about that. I’ve made up your mind tee hee.

We are all fundamentally selfish. That’s normal and natural. For feck’s sake, if I don’t get mine you won’t get yours and vice versa. We are all connected. Hello? I can treat you shamefully and sleep good at night? Nope, coz my conscience will haunt me and karma come back to bite me in the ass. So for purely selfish reasons I’m gonna treat you good and protect your interests along with my own.

It’s not about security. I like danger! It’s not about owning property. I’m a gypsy at heart. It’s not about men versus women, white versus black, or any of that nonsense. Please gentle reader, have the courage to simply be who you are. It needs no excuses remember!

I love the simple things in life. ‘Men, Louise?’ I hear you say. Well yeah, up to a point, but my heart is shared with only one. No, I mean shit like the trees in autumn, the changing landscape of the sky, an unexpected smile from a stranger, smoking a roll up and drinking a cup of coffee in the morning…

Life is for living, but love makes life live.

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Stormzy is Special

Why Stormzy? Coz I feel like he has the balls and bottle to speak for me…not many do, trust me. He is a humble gentle giant of the sort we Brits tend to love. An understated, unassuming hero. He is so full of something that is both him but not him at all… So glad he’s getting the recognition he so richly deserves.

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Sixty Minute Takeover

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The Grime Generals

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That’s Not Me

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Getalong Gang

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Here’s To My Demon

Ah well, eternal servitude to a demon might not be so terrible if he’s cute lol.

Which he is.

Last four days I’ve been in a happier space.

I don’t need weed, alcohol or any drug, I get high as fuck just listening to my music and observing popular culture from the comfort and safety of my own bedroom.

He may be incarcerated and I haven’t even heard from him but he’s with me when I go to bed, right there when I wake up…

‘I’m just a bit boring’, he sweetly said, self-knowledge and honesty, I happen to like and need a boring man, frustrating though it can sometimes be.

‘I can only be real’, he said, even our psychodramas were somehow part of the plan.

He just did his thing, I did mine, neither of us were watching the other, when we went out we walked on opposite sides of the street, no cutesey hand-holding, we are not normal, but who the fuck is?

The funniest thing that cracks us both up is how weirdly alike we are, each other’s mirror, the reflections of his nature that come through me and vice versa.

He robbed me blind and literally put me on the streets but he gave me the gift of eternal life so who’s complaining?

What use is all the money in the world without someone to share it?

Yeah man, it’s Sod’s Law that those of us who want nothing more but to die for something much greater than us are gifted with eternal youth and so on. Those who love their lives have them taken away.

Please God (hah!) he will find a way to argue himself into a shorter sentence. Personally I would take the line that the criminal justice system has swung way to far the other way to favour and protect women at the expense of men. Yeah he made a silly mistake one fateful night, I seriously doubt that his vindictive ex was permanently hurt by what passed between them. It is beyond me how a person could want to hurt so badly someone they professed to love.

So if he takes on the criminal justice system he will have to do it in a fairly grandiose way, but that’s nothing new to him. Nothing is purely personal to either of us. We both think on a world scale. ‘Mad underdog, one of the realest on the map’ is how he put it in one of his hip hop tracks. When he was in prison before he dwelt less on his predicament than on the sadness of the other prisoners’ situations. Much like I was so disturbed and distressed by the distress of my fellow inmates in the loony bin.

I lay down my life for my people, he does the same. We ‘rep’ our ‘ends’ and the rest of the world, slowly but surely, follows suit. No one can truly lead from above. Only those on the bottom have the authority to ultimately overstand.

I keep this blog for my own benefit, to have a record, and sometimes even I am disturbed by what I have written on previous occasions. But I don’t delete shit because in my beloved’s words, ‘I can only be real’. The fact that next to no one reads it is very much in keeping with the rest of my life. But rest assured, the message gets through. ‘The quietest people have the loudest minds’.

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God Is A Demon

‘God Is A Demon In Disguise

just think about how jealous,evil,vengeance seeking and murderous the god of the bible is!doesnt this make you wonder why?!?!just think about all the rape,disease,greed, war,starvation,disasters,drug addiction,murder ect,ect that just goes on and on and on and just keeps happening without the kind and loving god of the bible doing anything at all to stop it!?!? admit it! i think he doesnt want to stop it, i think he likes it too much,all the billions of sheeple across the world that walk into a church or mosque or whatever and pick up their holy book and pray and worship are worshiping and praying to a demon! a king demon disguised as god,the lord of this world! people are so easily mislead! billions of them are just continuously surrendering and handing over their only soul to a god they have never seen, heard or touched and dont really know what he is and he gets new recruits every day,this is horrible!this is terror in the extreme!!reality cant get any worse than finding out that billions have already pledged and already given their only soul to a demon and are damned, the living damned!!!….most people wont agree with me i’ll bet!and be to frightened at the prospects to even contemplate it because the truth hurts really,really bad….merrily we go to hell…..’

This guy, on some forum or other, is 100% correct, this is the fucking truth I live with everyday, there is no benevolent God ‘out there’, people use religion like others use drugs or alcohol. And I’m beginning to realise that I have met this ‘god’ and made a pact with him, yes he even used the word contract, because my back was to the wall and I had nowhere else to go. So now I can look forward to eternal servitude to a demon who gets his rocks off tormenting others, makes a lot of sense in the light of my benighted life. I’d like to see any of these pathetic ‘priests’ try and cast this one out, he won’t be leaving easily, he assured me of that!

To those who are convinced of the innate goodness of humankind and that there are no such things as demons, my fairly lengthy experience has amply demonstrated otherwise, but I’m pleased for you that you don’t have to face the unpalatable truth. ‘God’ is nothing but an extremely powerful demon.

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I Find This Scarily Correct

The Christian God of the Bible is a Demon. (self.atheism)

submitted 11 months ago * by Evil-Jesus

I will be making a local presentation in a few days, and I would like people’s opinion on this before I do so. This is the script:

Contract with the Demon

The Bible God is not a God but is actually a Demon. The first thing that points towards this fact: Christianity is all about “Serving the Lord”. Let’s assume for a second that an Almighty being exists. Then, that being can make anything happen effortlessly, on a whim. Then why would such a being ever need servants? A Demon on the other hand, gains its Power from those willing to make a Contract with it. When a Christian prays, it gains Power. Hence Christians speak of “Serving the Lord”.

The Bible God is not All Good

Sacrifice. In the Bible, people once had to Sacrifice animals to the Bible God to have their Sins forgiven. There is a long list of Rituals in the Bible called Offerings. But if a being is truly All Good, it would forgive anyone for anything they did, just like that, for absolutely no reason, no matter what they have done. But the God of the Bible did not do that. It did not forgive the people in the Bible unless they gave it a Sin Offering. In the event that it did not receive its Offering, it would put to death the people who displeased it. Why? Because it is actually not an All Good being but a Demon. When they Sinned by breaking the rules established by the Demon, they displeased the Demon. Then they needed to appease that Demon so that it did not kill them by offering the life of goats instead. Again, I assure you that an All Good being would never need to be appeased in the first place.

Ridiculous Rules

So what is a Sin? A Sin is the act of breaking the rules that have been established by the Bible God. Let’s explain why the concept of Sins is stupid. Here’s a set of rules:

You must play Rock, Paper or Scissors.
You must not play Rock.
You must not play Paper.
You must not play Scissors.

I want you to obey all the rules above and not break a single one of them, or I will punish you. If you have broken a rule, you have Sinned. It is obvious that obeying all the rules is impossible. Now, I will send my only Son to die so that you can be forgiven for breaking my rules. It is a well known fact by Christians that nobody could obey the 10 Commandments and Laws perfectly either. At some point, the Bible God removed the rules by sending its son to do so. The reason why the rules are removed is explained in the Demon’s Deeds, below.

Artificial Creation of Sin and Forgiveness

I would like to point out that Sin, the act of breaking the rules set by the Bible God, is something that is artificially created, because there was no way to follow the rules in the first place, by design. Therefore, Forgiveness for Sins is also something artificially created as well, because you are forced to Sin in any scenario. It follows that the Need for Forgiveness for one’s Sins is also artificially created. This method is used to create an artificial dependence on Christians so that they believe that they Need to be Forgiven, and feel good when they believe they are Forgiven. In short, the Bible God set up Ridiculous Rules and forced people to Sin, then fed the drug of Forgiveness to Christian, making them have the Need to be Forgiven, and becoming addicted and dependent on Forgiveness.

The Bible God is not All Knowing

One must first understand that my above rules were stupid in the first place, and so were the 10 Commandments and Laws. If I created a robot and programmed it to pick up the spoon, then smashed the robot if it picks up the spoon, I am the one at fault, not the robot as it only did what it was programmed for. Similarly, if it was true that the Bible God created Man and included disobedience of rules in the program, that would make the Bible God to blame for punishing Man for disobeying the rules, thus Sinning. A truly All Knowing being would have known how to and created Man in such a way that Man could not disobey the rules it wanted obeyed in the first place. From this, we cannot deduce how we were created or if we were created by that Demon, but we can deduce that the Bible God is definitely not an All Knowing being and clearly lacked insight if it was the one who designed Man.

The Bible God created Evil

According to the Bible, Adam and Eve ate the Fruit of Knowledge after being tempted by a Snake, hence they became aware of the existence of Evil. An already All Knowing being has no use for the existence of such a Fruit in the first place. But let’s assume there is a purpose to that Fruit’s existence and it had to be created. Then an All Knowing being would have known that Adam and Eve would disobey and eat it. Why does the Snake exist in the first place? How come the Snake is already Evil and tempting Eve when the Snake has not eaten the Fruit itself? It is very clear as well that the one who created the Fruit and the Snake is the Bible God itself in the first place. So the source of Evil actually comes from the Bible God. An All Good being would not have created anything Evil. Therefore, this is another proof that the Bible God is not All Good. In addition, this shows the lack of insight of the Bible God, because it is not All Knowing but just a Demon. It could have created Adam and Eve so that they do not disobey the rules, it could have made the Fruit unreachable, it could have made sure the Snake never met Adam and Eve among many other good options, but the Bible God never did.

The Bible God is not Almighty

So the Bible God delivered the Jews from slavery in Egypt. But a few chapters ago, the same Bible God brought the Jews to Egypt under the leadership of Joseph in the first place! An All Knowing being would have known that bringing them to Egypt would have caused them to suffer slavery in the future. An All Good being would not have brought them there in the first place! An Almighty being does not have to make the Jews leave Egypt, it can just make the people who are persecuting them start liking them in the first place! This is a very important point during the story of Moses. The Bible God could harden the heart of the Pharaoh in the story, but not soften it to the point that the Pharaoh started liking the Jews and free them. Why could the Bible God not soften the heart of the Pharaoh? Because it is not Almighty, not All Good, and a Demon that could only harden the heart of the Pharaoh! This is also part of the Demon’s Deeds, but more on this later as well.

The Demon’s Power

Then Moses and the freed Jews travelled through the desert. Moses went to the top of the mountain. When he came back, he noticed some of the Jews were worshipping a Golden Calf and ordered their mass murder. Why? Because the Bible God is a Demon. See, the Bible God gains its Power from those who worship it. And it would not be gaining any Power from those who were worshipping the Golden Calf. Moreover, those worshipping the Golden Calf could convert the Bible God’s worshippers. Drastic action was needed by the Demon: to wipe those who would not benefit it. The Demon made a Contract(Covenant) with the rest of them, known as the 10 Commandments along with a huge list of Laws.

Mutual Benefit

The people worshipping the Bible God would need Food and Water to survive in the desert. If those people died, then the Demon would start losing its Power. Just like a child feeding a Legion of Ants, the Bible God threw bread crumbs(also known as Manna) to them. Christians call this an act of compassion, but this is just mutual benefit. The Jews were giving it Power, the Bible God was throwing bread crumbs at them to stop them from dying, or it would lose its Power source. They travelled 40 years through the desert while the Bible God was supposed to take them to the Promised Land filled with Milk and Honey. This, again, proves that the Bible God is not Almighty. A truly Almighty being could have just spawned a Promised Land, Milk and Honey on that very spot, no travelling needed.

The Demon’s Deeds

If I created a deadly virus that kills 2000 people, then I create a vaccine that can cure it, am I a Savior? 2000 people died by my hands, am I a good person? If people dismissed the fact that I was the one who created the virus, of course I would appear as a Hero who saved humanity. Can you consider yourself good if you intentionally smashed your mother’s vase with a hammer then cleaned up the broken pieces with a broom? The same thing applies to the Bible God. This is exactly what Jesus does.

Who brought the Jews to Egypt to become Slaves? The Bible God did.

Who removed them from Egypt and act as if it freed them? The Bible God did.

Who made the Ridiculous Rules that forced people to Sin and then Need Forgiveness? The Bible God did.

Who then created Forgiveness for Sins? The Bible God did in the form of Jesus.

This is a crucial piece of information. The Demon needed Power. The smart way of gaining a large amount of Power quickly was to make itself appear like a Savior. Thus the Demon changed and came into the form of Jesus and claimed that all the Sins were Forgiven. It is very important that people notice this. Jesus is not a God, not a Hero, not a Savior. Jesus is a Demon that came to remove the mess known as the 10 Commandments that he himself created, in the form of the Bible God. Jesus only appears as a Savior because people are blind to the fact that all this mess came from the Bible God itself in the first place. Jesus had the Power to heal the Sick and exorcise Devils out of people, but who invented Sickness? A Christian told me that Satan invented Sickness. But really, there is even a part of the Bible where the Bible God sends out one of its angels to drop sickness on a population. It seem that the Bible God invented Sickness, because it is actually a Demon.

Special mention goes to the Power to remove Devils from possessed people and all the Devils recognized Jesus immediately after being brought out. That is because he was their boss. I will now quote this line from the Bible that Christians use as an excuse to justify Jesus’s Power over Demons: “Any kingdom divided against itself is laid waste; and any city or house divided against itself will not stand. If Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself; how then will his kingdom stand?”

The Truth lies in the bigger plan: Jesus ordered these Devils into those people himself, and was removing those Devils in front of the Jews because he wanted to make himself look like a Savior to the people, so that he would get a lot of followers and worshippers, and thus the Power of the Bible God would increase. The Bible God was not divided against itself anywhere, it was all part of the greater plan. Christians concentrate on the fact that the Devils left those people, but taking a look at it deeper, we see that the root of the problem, the very existence of those Devils that have no reason to be there in the first place comes from the Bible God.

To make it simpler, the Bible God cuts you with a knife, and then puts a band-aid on it. Christians are so blind that they only see they were given a band-aid, and never notice who cut them with the knife.

The Bible God is not All Loving

Christians use the term “God’s Love For You” a lot. This is a really big lie that Christians always mention. All of this, from the Bible stories to people worshipping the Bible God is for only one goal: to increase the Demon’s Power. There is no Compassion or Love in any way whatsoever. The Bible God is not All Loving, it will only help specific Christians when it gains a benefit from them. Just like in the bread raining from the sky example, to gain Power, it needed the Jews to be alive. Another good proof that the Bible God does not Care or Love even its followers is the story of Job, from the Bible.

Replaceable Children

The story of Job gets noted for the atrocities and complete disregard for human life of the Bible God. The Bible God and Satan place a bet on whether Job would stop worshipping him if things started turning wrong for Job. So the Bible God kills Job’s children, destroys his house and takes everything away from him. Then when Job does not turn away, the Bible God gives him 10 other, more beautiful children. At this point, it is no more a question of whether the Bible God is All Loving or not, it is a question whether the Bible God even Cares for the Children at all. Please tell Christians to look at their children that they Love in the eyes, and tell them heartlessly that the Bible God is going to kill them because it placed a bet with Satan. Tell their children that they are 100% replaceable as their Christian parents will have 10 more of them and better looking than them. This is exactly what happens to Job from the Bible.

Not even Close to being God

Let’s take a look at one simple fact: If the Bible God has the Power to make bread rain from the sky, or the power to multiply bread, why are there still people(even Christians) who are starving to death on this earth? The answer is simple. Either:

The Bible God is dead.
The Bible God is unaware that people are starving.
The Bible God is incapable of raining bread.
The Bible God does not want to help them.

As we can see here,

Case#1 states that the Bible God is dead, therefore not Immortal. Case#2 states that the Bible God is ignorant, therefore not All Knowing. Case#3 states that the Bible God is impotent, therefore not Almighty. Case#4 states that the Bible God is unwilling, therefore not All Loving. At least one of these is true, if not all of them. The reason is simple: Bread is not falling from the sky anywhere, let alone near starving Christians. It does not matter which one of the cases is true, this just proves that the Bible God is definitely not even close to a being that one would call God, but a lot closer to a being that one would call a Demon.

Eternal Life of Slavery

The Bible God promises Eternal Life to those that worship(make a Contract with) it. But Beware! One should tread very carefully here. The proposal is not just Eternal Life. It is an Eternal Life of Servitude and Slavery to the Demon. It comes with nice Shackles that will never allow those people to be free again. It might be a better option to simply live one’s life for what it lasts, free from the Demon’s Contract.

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Someone To Watch Over Me

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The Paris Attacks

OK, they wanna start another pointless war which they won’t know how to end.

Much as I take a secret delight in bloodshed which I make no apology for, the thought of the inevitable deja vu which will ensue now at the behest of our delusional and dangerous ‘leaders’ makes me heave a deep sigh inwardly.

I love Paris, but the French government and culture has oppressed Muslims, no question, and here are the karmic consequences…

Having said that, we in London could easily be next. Please God let me be next to the suicide bomber. I don’t fancy facing life missing a leg or an arm, call me old-fashioned.

You cannot reason with lunacy, but it can be tamed with humility, self-insight, gentleness and understanding.

Not qualities which bring to mind any of these mindless puppets the sheeple look to for leadership. Good luck with that.

No, violence and random blood sacrifices clearly call for more, and on a bigger scale this time.

When will it end?

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From Eden

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Someone New

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Red Rain

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Too Experienced

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Let Ezra Rot

I’ve been doing a deal of reevaluating the last few days. Realised I don’t need to tolerate Ezra, I have a choice in the matter, duh! I don’t have to allow him to use me and leave me high and dry like I never even existed. I can actually turn and give him the same treatment so he gets to know how it feels.

I’ve realised a lot about his true nature. Surprise…he is a demon, albeit a very powerful one. But a demon remains a demon, leopards don’t change their spots. The reality of him is that he is pretty much a lifelong criminal who made a living as a drug dealer and decided to commit himself to a woman who consumes soaps and Big Brother like they’re going out of fashion. Knowing how much she annoyed him he then went for a baby with her. ‘It’ll bring us closer together’, lolol. They even tried for a second child but thankfully she miscarried…it was going to be a girl.

Then one fateful night he was horny and wanted to get touchy feely with this lady he referred to constantly as his ‘missus’. They had sex twice, he wanted to go a third time and she didn’t, he overrode her wishes, she was crying, their baby boy was nearby. Then he laughed as she cried and told her she ‘looked like a victim’. Next day she upped and offed with their son to the police station and the rest is history.

Yes he is guilty of rape. As well as being a fairly disgusting human being. He has virtually no loyal friends, even his family resent him. Compare his situation with mine. I have had quite a few guys go through my hands and not always even been faithful, but there is only one who subsequently became an enemy and he is a toothless old crone eaten up by self-neglect who will indubitably die soon. He appeared on a Panorama documentary about local mental health services (or lack of) and said something pretty revealing. He said he used to despise ‘normality’ but now realises (too late) it has some things to recommend it. Basically saying he became a lunatic because he thought it was cool! Fuck the converted Catholic shithead! Let his patriarchal religion save him now. He betrayed me in the vilest of manners (ganging up with Angela and the Equals shower against me among other offences).

Maurice and Richard, my latest two exes before Ezra have remained on my team despite fairly frequent spats and disagreements, and frankly the credit for this goes to yours truly. I cannot imagine ANY ex of mine being vindictive to the point of wanting to see me incarcerated…they simply lack the ammunition to hurt me in any way. Ezra decided he was more powerful than a woman. Let me tell you that is the worst and most fundamental error any man can make. Even I do not fight women! It is much too dangerous, I stick to battling men and always win!

So yeah, as you can see there has been some progress despite life outwardly seeming to go on in a fairly humdrum way. My thoughts are loud! In the words of Ms Dynamite ‘I’m too experienced’ to have my heart broke by this loser or consent to be an abused neglected partner. Fuck him! I’ll get by. They say women often marry their fathers or someone like them. Well, I hated my dad, he abused me sexually and my mum said he was basically a rapist. He treated her like chattel, controlled her movements, tried to keep her isolated, in fact he regarded all of us as his property and was a lousy father offering no good role modelling of any kind.

In her early fifties my Mum found the courage to leave and she NEVER looked back. I watched, an impressionable twenty year old, as she went from strength to strength, building a happy, free new life for herself with many good and loyal friends and productive activity despite never managing to make a relationship with a man work long-term.

With her as my role model and my dad as a cautionary tale, I can not go wrong.

As people in my life constantly tell me ‘fuck Ezra’. I do not need him!

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