Hmm…
Maybe I’m finally ‘over’ hip hop…
Archive for October, 2015
Give This Woman A Fecking Knighthood!
Oh maan, do I ever wanna have a cuppa with this amazing woman! Watch dear peeps, and learn! But props to Cheryl Cole for smiling and her honesty…’you’ve never been a rock singer love’, ‘no’ came the response. ‘Obviously you’re not an academic’! What’s not to love?
So Loved Up
Yeah, I been writing to my guy in prison, I will visit, send money, anything if it helps him but there’s a bit of a wall of pride there to overcome.
There’s a fair bit going on in my life that is too private to share here.
I still have good days and bad days, life isn’t a picnic…but it’s still vastly improved on what was before and that’s the main thing isn’t it peeps?
I don’t freaking count my blessings, lol. What on earth is the virtue in knowing how many there are? But I do regularly recollect to myself all the things I have rather than dwelling too much on those I don’t. Read up on the Law of Attraction if you feel inclined. The more you dwell with longing on the lacks the more privation you draw into your life. So feel like a freaking millionnaire!
Money has never been my main issue. The lack of a partner/soulmate was. I have that, ergo, I have everything I need. He’s made all the difference in the world and some, so fuck you to all his haters (lol, he has many).
Okay Louise, calm down.
I told him if he and I pull together we can do anything (didn’t say this in a letter that can be perused by the prison staff) including get him the fuck out of there. (He got 9 years by the way). He’s very hot on the Law. I’m very hot on psychology. That could be a killer combination. He needs to find professionals with whom he can work and establish a rapport. He’s got to find a technicality or SOMETHING…
My arguments ‘he never had any proper mothering’, he’s a foolish guy who was blinded by Love, he has a tendency not to listen to his Inner Voice…those I doubt would stack up in a court of Law. Which is what makes what poses as Justice such a total ass in this country and in most parts of the world.
I aim to blast the whole thing sky high. Just give me time.
A Word On Independence
Hello peeps, I feel like letting off a bit of steam.
Scottish Nats aside I detest independence with a passion. Anyone who poses as ‘independent’ and revels in being seen as such is one big massive fuckin’ LIAR!
I am ANYTHING BUT independent. I NEVER work alone. I can do nothing alone. I might as well top myself on the spot as live my life in isolation from others. I am PITIFULLY needy. Solitary confinement (which I have experienced for real) truly is torture to me.
I thrive on communication, communion, community, collaboration, basically if there’s a ‘co’ at the beginning I probably plead guilty to it lol. Yeah, even codependency.
‘If love is a drug then I don’t need it’, sings Richard Ashcroft on one of those Verve tracks. Agreed, because no one wants the comedown. I’m staying high this time, NO ONE can bring me down! Love is my whole life, my guy means nothing to anyone but me but that’s fine, say what you like about him he knows one thing and that’s me. His worst is better than your best so fuck you all.
Nor do I require your approval, acceptance, praise, I especially don’t need for anyone to LIKE me. I require nothing from anyone. There I go, completely contradicting myself again in the space of a few words.
Consistency is overrated. Haters feel free to tear me down as much as you like , I will only rise the higher, your existence is a matter of complete indifference to me. To the man and woman who don’t like me, goodbye to quote Wiley. And if, as a reader of this blog, I rouse your ire, for Heaven’s sake get a grip of yourself and find some other more comfortable corner of the internet to get your ego massaged.
Ironic
Is it really ironic Alanis lol? I guess Canadians must have a slightly different concept of the term!
Meeting the Man of your dreams…then having him go to prison for alleged rape lol. You couldn’t make it up.
Technically Not Possible…
…for a 53 year old post-menopausal woman to be pregnant, but I think I am. I defy nature lol! Not going for no scans though. Fuck the medical profession. I’ve suffered enough at their hands. What will be will be.
A few cash flow issues right now. I’m typing this from my mum’s house, having scraped together the train fare today. Couldn’t face another penniless night on the streets. There’s some family politics to sort out and I’m the only one who can do it, so… I’m grateful for my mum and son, only with them (and Ezra) do I ever have a real sense of belonging.
Have not heard a dickey bird (lol) from Ez in prison. Don’t know the length of his sentence or anything, but I’m as sure as I can be that he will be appealing it. We communicate constantly on a psychic and phenomenal level so I actually don’t feel too deprived without his actual physical presence.
I feel very happy and fulfilled right now. My dreams have come true. My ‘illness’ is a thing of the past. For mental illness read ‘being ahead of your time’. And as a confirmed introvert I am always compulsively early for everything (and over-prepared). Maybe not such a bad thing after all huh?
Trying to teach others to be professional to my level is a long slow job. But my care coordinator Jane has a good heart and honestly and faithfully tries to follow through with what I ask her to do. When I need to let off steam I find a way of doing so. It is really the only way to communicate to others what you need them to do.
Yeah the world and its wife are seriously retarded, but wtf. It is what it is. I got my wish. I died to my old life and was reborn somewhere I belonged. I love my life, and feel like I just conquered Everest. Always higher peaks to climb though. A true artist is never satisfied.
He is Justice, He is The Law
I dedicate this to the many great souls currently held behind bars in this great country of ours, and throughout the world. Ezra, my beloved partner unjustly accused of rape and currently doing time for it, is Justice, he is The Law. Look up the Book of Ezra in the Bible or the meaning of the name if you don’t believe me. I pity the repercussions that will surely befall all those who have had a hand in this diabolical miscarriage of justice to no less than God himself…
Don’t count on God helping you, the best you can hope is that your miserable existences end relatively quickly. Niggas from London, we don’t fuck around.
Contact Me!!!
Anyone daft enough to read this blog can contact me on my landline 0208 340 5531 anytime. My phone never dings for real, and the mobile mysteriously disappeared yesterday…I don’t bite, or if I do, I don’t draw blood lol.
The Worst Happened…
…and can I honestly say that on some level I didn’t predict it, despite the confidence and assurance I had that my guy would walk free from the court yesterday.
It’s right here on this blog. ‘Much as I don’t want to be a prison wife a second time around (first time with Maurice, still banged up), I have to accept that what will be will be’. Obviously I paraphrase what I said as I’m not a fecking parrot.
I can’t lie, I cried a lot of big fat salty tears last night when I finally got home. I have a feeling he might have cried too.
But I slept my requisite three to four hours and woke up refreshed and it’s a new day and a new struggle to just do the next right thing.
I talk and communicate with people in so many different ways. Now may be the opportunity to change up how I do that. Less of the street corner, more of the studio mike type of thing. I will continue to keep this record though, because I do this for myself, not really for whoever reads it (barely anyone lolol).
So my first task is to try my best to chill and relax into this new day’s challenges, and when the moment is right sit down and compose a letter to my beloved in Pentonville. Provided I add his date of birth to the letter it will be delivered to him the prison told me on the phone yesterday.
I won’t be visiting him. I did all that with Maurice, I’m not going there again. There is a very useful facility called ’email a prisoner’. If he chooses to give me his prison number after he gets my letter, I can easily email him with updates every day and would love to have the chance to do that.
Alright peeps, try your best to enjoy your day.
Right Let Me Be Full-On Offensive
I ain’t homophobic but Jamaicans are all gay! Oh my daze!
Awww!
Who finds that better than any phony Mother’s Day Card could ever be?
I wanna take this opportunity to pay tribute to my own wonderful Mum. She taught me well, was loyal through all the peaks and troughs, comforted and pep-talked me when I was at my lowest. Brought me and my brother up good, with pretty much no help but only hindrance from my foolish ‘father’. So this goes out to mums everywhere. You are loved.
Try Not To Shoot The Messenger
The bullets will only ricochet back in your own faces. Silence is a perfectly appropriate response when you hear something that vaguely unsettles or confuses you.
My guy is taking on a massive (legal) hate campaign against him, and I understand totally how he must be feeling because of my own annus horribilus 2010 when I was bullied by an organisation of five people, two of whom were my closest and dearest female friend and male partner of 11 years. It really ticked all the freaking boxes as an emotional trigger, didn’t it? But never have I felt so strong, so powerful, so amazed at myself as I did that year when I fought back and yeah, basically destroyed all of them…with words.
As I’ve noted previously I don’t recommend trying this at home.
In response to someone curious to know what I looked like, I’ve posted these embarrassing attempts at YouTubing myself lol. https://www.youtube.com/user/veganacity
Alanis Kicks It
It’s nice to see her in action though the lyrics are not too clear on this live version. So here are some of them…
I see right through you
I walk right through you
I feel right through you
I know right through you
‘Now that I’m Miss Thing, now that I’m a zillionnaire, you scan the credits for your name and wonder why it’s not there’.
Yaya for Alanis, one of Canada’s many national treasures, yaya Canada! Alanis, your Jagged Liittle Pill album helped me through one of my thirty plus incarcerations in the psych ward. I terrorised quite a few staff by yelling along with the lyrics at them lol.
Am I Still Ill? 