There’s Gonna Be a Backlash Against Technology

Those words actually come from a Nitin Sawhney album entitled Prophecy which has long since fallen out of my possession. Just tried to post you a link to it but that’s beyond my current capacities so that will have to wait. Edit, can’t find the full album, but here’s the track I refer to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBZpbka_A3w

It’s well worth a listen, but I am seriously out of it Peeps. I can’t compose coherent text. I am stoned on N.

I was crashed out on the sofa until my Baby phoned on the landline from the ward.

There was some problem with our respective phones today and I thought he was ignoring me.

Fuck technology I say!

Can’t make sense though. Still too out of it.

Hope this won’t fuck up my sleep pattern too much, but I think not because I am seriously exhausted. Had an absolutely horrible day. Looking forward to going to sleep in my bed with my headphones blaring.

:Love you Peeps, even in my drugged-up stupor.

And I will never die. So I’ve got a lot of time to love you.

xx

PS Here we are. The visuals are a bonus.

I’ve Said Enough.

Don’t wanna talk no more. Got feck all to say.

M and I went to Camden today. I was dancing and singing on the tube and that. As you do.

Got a new IPod Nano. The old Shuffle had died on me and besides, I needed more control over what I’m listening to.

When I’m with M the rest of the world mercifully recedes, but as previously noted on this blog when he was in my life before, he’s a bit like a drug. When we have to say goodbye and he goes back to his incarceration in a forensic mental health unit (yes, this is how they treat my beloved soulmate – a fecking danger to society haha! Maybe they’re not so far wrong!) I feel so freaking lonely and sad. I have no interest in anyone else to be perfectly honest.

I said before I seek a platform to share my experiences but the last few days I’ve realised I don’t even wanna talk. I’m still very much an introvert. I wanna stop this freaking merry go round and get off the damn thing.

I just uploaded a video to my YouTube Channel of me freaking out to Coldplay lolol. That’s the best contribution I feel able to make to the sum total of the world’s happiness. If only more people would get over themselves and sing and dance to THEIR IPods on the Tube, the world would be a whole lot better and more fun.

When and if it finally downloads I’ll try and put it here but in all honesty I’m fucked off, wanna die, wanna leave the planet, Truly don’t know how much more of this I can take Peeps.

I dedicate this to my beloved soulmate, the only person in this world who loves and understands me it would seem. And I dedicate it to myself, because I am the Blackheart Man too.

Aaargh, Save Me Amy!

This world disgusts me right now…

They killed you Amy and so many other special people. Maybe they can still kill me too. Except that I already died.

That’s not a lot of words but it’s still too many. I should no longer have to speak.

Fuck most people up the arse with a fuckin’ chainsaw. Ebola is way too good for them. May they be torn to bits by wild animals.

The effort of getting washed and dressed in the morning is Herculean, when you have nowhere to go, no one to see and nothing to do, and when you are quite literally surrounded by fuckin’ idiots.

Look At Me World, Lol!

My own YouTube Channel now, lol?

Hahahaha! Better think of something to say now huh?

Limbo

Well, all’s well that ends well I guess. Apologies to the SP Admin – he didn’t actually ban me for arguing with his allegations. The problem was I had two accounts, one of which had been banned (you’re only allowed one) and had logged in under the wrong account.

So a big THANK YOU to SP admin for that.

But I daresay I will be feeling paranoid about every word I write on there for some time to come.

I’m in  a kind of limbo state right now and have been for some time, actually I have graduated from Hell to Purgatory to Limbo with occasional visits back to Purgatory when things get too frustrating or annoying to bear.

I have to make myself a new life and it isn’t something any friggin’ career’s adviser or counsellor in the world can help me with.

I have virtually no structure in my life, am pursuing no particular activities. All I do most days is meet M and spend some time with him. I am done with education as I’m already over-educated. I seek a platform of some kind so I can speak about my experiences. I’m frustrated by how dumb most people are. I encounter so many roadblocks. Reading my mum’s Guardian the other day (I visited her for the weekend) was a depressing experience. Do people seriously believe that the news is what is really going on in the world? And these fuckin’ annoying little know-it-all journalists!

Lately everywhere I go on the Internet it seems like someone wants to shut me down. I go to try and have fun with my friends on the webcam chatroom and promptly get a computer glitch which then takes an age to be sorted by the Indian computer geeks I signed up with. It’s all so desperately boring and pathetic and in all honesty patience has never been my strong suit, though I had to exercise superhuman patience at times when locked into the psychiatric system.

People’s irrational fear is the biggest obstacle I face in getting my message heard. Fear tends to make people stupid. Their reasoning faculties just can’t operate effectively while they’re quaking in their shoes. This is why ordinarily I try to use humour a lot. If you can make a person laugh it defuses the fear. However if they’re comically challenged you face a problem and your attempts at levity can backfire badly as I just found out with the SP drama.

People seem to approach me a lot these days. My social anxiety and fuck-off vibe is gone.

Well, it’s time for a bath and facing another day in Limbo, but at least I get to see my soulmate for a few precious hours. I am luckier than most.

I’m not in the best of moods this morning so I’ll leave it there.

What Would You Have Done?

1. Currently On Probation

   October 26th, 2014by seppuku

   Admins have kindly allowed me back as long as I don’t ‘threaten, harass or stalk’ another member.

   Words fail me but whatevs guys.

   Should I give up? Should I end it all…?

   3 Comments

   1. SP Administrator
      OCT 26, 2014 @ 14:36:14

      Yes, words fail me too sometimes the way people believe they are not responsible for their own actions.

   And I assume you’re here to tell or share your suicidal story, or to help others with theirs.

   ← REPLY

2. whyaremeninmyshoes
   OCT 26, 2014 @ 14:38:36

   Why are you on probation? Did you threaten and/or harass and/or stalk someone on this site? I am new to the site so I don’t know. If you did any of that it seems utterly pathetic, and unkind, of you to me. If you haven’t done any of that then to be on probation with the condition of not doing it seems ridiculous and unfair on you. Which is it?

   ← REPLY

3. xanadu
   OCT 26, 2014 @ 15:48:49

   Just as long as she’s not stalking me, it’s all good.

   ← REPLY

4. harikiri
   OCT 26, 2014 @ 16:32:23

   Your comment is awaiting moderation.

   Haha, someone here has a sense of humour xanadu…

   Well, admin, you put me in a quandary I must confess. If I say what I think about your allegations I will get banned again for sure.

   So OK, man, I’m a stalker, a threatener and a harasser.

   Happy now?

   If anyone’s interested they can get a fuller picture on my blog athttps://amistillill.wordpress.com. And if this post is subsequently deleted and I am banned again you’ll know that is is nothing to do with infringing the site’s rules and everything to do with petty, personal spite.

   Surprise guys. Banned again.

   And I am beginning to feel harassed!

But Hey, Keep the Insults Flying!

‘On the level you’re just challenging yourself. So if you’re feeling brave, go ahead and hurt yourself’. Dizzee Rascal.

I cordially invite all my haters here to throw what verbal stones they can muster in my direction. Get it all out of your system, guys and gals! You’ll feel SOOO much better. Until you suddenly feel worse.

I can never be hurt by these insults, but you will. That’s not a threat it’s a statement of fact. I don’t need to seek revenge. Karma will do the job for me. The Equals Training organisation learned that a long time ago. They too made many very ill-advised and untrue accusations against me, and much as I predicted, they sank without trace and came off very bruised and battered by the confrontation.  Ex friend A still can’t even bear to hear my name mentioned in her presence four years later. That just about says it all.

I no longer carry the senseless burden of toxic grief, guilt and shame. I  feel ten stones lighter for it.

Seriously, come here. Don’t be a freaking coward! Confront me right here on my blog if you have a beef! I will never turn you away or trash your comment. I will simply address it calmly and clear-headedly, just as I did with Equals.

I am deeply sorry for you.

Thank God for this Blog

Yes peeps, I had cause to once again be grateful for the right of reply it gave me today, after I received the deeply unpleasant two-liner from the admin of the Suicide Project.

Update: I have now been allowed back in under my former username, seppuku, provided – get this – I do not ‘harass, stalk or threaten’ another member! I am on probation, this kind person informs me.

Well, obviously on the one hand I’m glad I can go back as my former ‘self’.

But I am simultaneously DEEPLY insulted at these allegations.

The guy seems to know nothing about his own site. He does not know, for example, that people laugh and joke with each other there ALL THE TIME.

He clearly is totally unaware of my posting history, where I have poured out my own suicidal feelings but also made strenuous efforts to help and support many many people over the space of three and a half years.

None of that matters. Only the word of a 19 year old Indian calling himself done12345 and painstakingly hiding his identity everywhere he goes on the internet counts for anything at all.

Why the need for such secrecy at such a tender age we ask ourselves?

He is ashamed of himself and wants to project that shame onto me but I’m having none of it.

My site stats reveal that 800 plus views of my blog over the last three months originated from India. Who is stalking whom?

My Correspondence with the Admin of The Suicide Project

Zoe Vincent <zoe.vincent@virgin.net>	17:05 (20 hours ago)
to John

Hello there. I would like to know why I keep getting my access to the site restricted (ie, I can’t log in and post?)

Is this still because of ‘done12345”s complaint about me several months ago?

I freely admit that I was out of order on that occasion (I teased him on the site, we knew each other pretty well at that point). I obviously went too far. I suffer from manic depression, or at least I did back then. When manic I could be somewhat inappropriate.

‘Done12345’ told me he would ask you to reinstate my access to the site after some more private communication between us because he understood I was lonely and that I needed a safe space to vent my feelings. However I still found I was not allowed access to the dashboard.

More recently I decided to try registering under a different name and was successful in logging in. I posted a few times and commented. I am pretty well known on the site (unlike done12345) having been posting there for several years on and off.

But now I am back to square one again, being denied access to the dashboard so I can’t post.

Is this because of the content of my posts as ‘harikiri’?

How have I broken the rules of the site in any of them? You allow someone to freely use the n word and voice racial hatred against his own race but I am being banned again, I literally cannot understand what I am doing wrong.

Could you please explain how I am violating the rules and give me another chance? This site is important to me and I consider many people here as friends.

Please note that I am capable of being diplomatic and was already being extremely careful what I said.

Thank you for your consideration of my request.

SP Administrator	20:59 (16 hours ago)
to me

 

You have been banned from our site. Period. You were given a chance to be a member of our community, and instead thought it would be more fun to cause trouble for another member on the site. That’s just sick.

Go find some other online community to have your fun with. Ours is not a community for jokes and playing games with other members. You know, seeing as it’s a site about suicide.

Zoe Vincent <zoe.vincent@virgin.net>	12:06 (33 minutes ago)
to SP

I do not understand or recognise what you are saying about me. I have helped many many people on the Suicide Project. Why are you going on and on about one isolated incident which happened when I was manic? You seem to have taken this personally! How exactly did I cause trouble for this person? I have been on this site for years! I am very well known there! Are you talking about somebody else? Please could you kindly afford me a more detailed explanation of the ‘joke’ I am supposed to have played on done12345? He actually told me he was going to ask you to unban me! This is VERY strange.

Zoe Vincent <zoe.vincent@virgin.net>	12:11 (29 minutes ago)
to SP

If you want to know more about the person I actually am and not the stranger you have cast me as in your mind, please check out my blog which I have been writing for many years now, about my struggles to cope with and manage my severe mental health condition (manic depression). http://amistillill.wordpress.com

I am extremely disturbed by your response to my query. I have been a regular contributor to this site for years and was much loved and appreciated there. Many people laugh and joke with each other there. How can you, an administrator, have missed this?

So odd.

Frustration

Hi Peeps. Yeah I frustrated myself just now by totally forgetting how to log in to my own blog.

Earlier on I was frustrated by being banned from Suicide Project yet again!

I finally managed to find how to contact the admins of the site (can’t think how I missed this before) and have emailed them.

Other people get away with all kinds of crazy stuff on that site. I was second guessing every other word I wrote on there because of the fear of being too controversial or sensitive and getting banned again. Is it because I believe I am immortal? Would that not be discrimination against a person with a mental health problem? Is it because I am no longer suicidal? Many people on that site are not. It’s not against the rules. The rules are pretty simple. No ‘hate’ etc. NEVER have I voiced any hate on that site. Never have I bullied anyone there. I teased someone I had got to know pretty well in a lighthearted way, I was manic, he didn’t see the funny side, end of.

I’m confused and fed up.

I wish I knew where else to go.

I’m at my Mum’s for the weekend. It’s very boring here. I read the Guardian for the first time in ages. What a load of garbage the news is. It was a depressing read.

My Mum is content with her life. It’s pretty nice. That does not make her a good companion for me. I am all about change. Beginning to wonder why I bothered coming. Feel totally ignored and overlooked (as well as banned).

I have no doubt that this post does not show me in a good light. But I don’t care.

My son J called just as I arrived at Mum’s. I felt frustrated during most of our discussion (about my recent activities and financial losses incurred). Though we managed to part amicably. I don’t like talking on the phone and he knows that. I would have liked to see him in person but he is not currently willing to do that.

It’s been a bloody annoying day. I am filled to the brim with misanthropy. Fuck everyone! Vision-less pusillanimous little shits most people are.

Haha, hard to get myself banned from my own blog.

Sorry, but as previously noted on this blog, I am not a nice person. In the immortal words of The Smiths ‘The life I’ve had would make a good man bad’. And for the life I’ve had I make no apology whatsoever as none of it was my fault.

I diagnosed M as a psychopath on this blog at one point. Well  he is my best friend and soulmate, so I guess there’s something of the psychopath in me too.

Live Forever

I deleted quite a few posts because the person they were about objected.

Since then, life went on.

I got financially exploited. And no I wasn’t ‘buying friendship’. Hardly, given that I give £££s to beggars in the street who are hardly good friendship material. I am not so desperate or deluded that I think you can attain friendship that way in any case. It’s simply that I have no use for money beyond a certain point. And I run across soooo many people for whom it is an extremely pressing concern. I’m naturally generous and empathic and I think it’s wrong that there are haves and have nots in this world.

I make no apologies for this.

One person who I took in and helped and showed kindness and friendship to turned round and abused my trust by literally stealing from me in my own house while my back was turned. He will fry in Hell for what he’s done, no revenge on my part is necessary. I am rich in spirit, he is a paranoid psychopath with no thought for anyone but himself, it’s not hard to see who’s the winner there.

Today the locks get changed (because he has my spare set of keys and won’t return them, still deludedly thinks that I will let him come back, wtf).

Mental health services attempt contact from time to time. I tell them where to go. There is nothing they can do as I am breaking no laws and clearly coping just fine thanks very much. They care not one whit for me. Why should they? Only Theo, my Floating Support Worker from Centra, is allowed back, he is coming this morning actually. Centra is a relatively enlightened organisation. There are even subversive, anti-psychiatry elements within its ranks.

I have returned to some of my suicide sites (the rest I am banned from) because I relate easily to the suicidal and have people I consider friends there. I have though, realised that I am actually indestructible. I am going to live forever.

Some of my long-time readers will remember ‘M’. He is still banged up in a secure unit but has loads of leave to go out and attend classes in the community etc. So I’ve been meeting up with him most days and we have become close again. We are not an item, I will never go back to that and history cannot repeat itself, but we are soulmates. He understands me better than anyone barring possibly my son.

Richard has also been a big help. How useful it is to keep your exes on side! If it wasn’t for them I would have virtually no one to turn to in all honesty. Friends I have virtually given up on.

So that’s my update. I’m still a moody bitch. Still have very little structure in my life and still need a freaking job! Any suggestions on a postcard please. I am able bodied and too intelligent for my own good.