Am I Still Ill?

Psychosis On The News

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-37609475

This just came to my attention.

A sad and rather familiar story along with the reaction of the grieving widow. Lock up more loonies! It’s an understandable response in the circumstances if an over-simplified one.

In actual fact it often seems to take the added ‘fuel’ of alcohol or substance misuse to bring about the 11% of all homicides committed by mentally ill people in the UK.

I took an interest in the short extract from ‘All in the Mind’, where a psychiatrist describes the experience of psychosis for most people.

It’s almost unrecognisable as a description of psychosis as I experience it in mania, and for that I am nothing but glad and grateful.

He says people with psychosis are predominantly fearful, withdrawn and depressed.

I am the exact opposite of all three!

Mania makes me happy, it’s a blast! I’m WAY more gregarious, way more outgoing and active at those times. I also fancy myself something of an entertainer, singing, dancing and cracking jokes. Appallingly enough, people tend to laugh along and applaud, which of course just encourages the behaviour.

It may sound like I love my mania too much and part of me undoubtedly does. But the errors of judgment, the delusional thoughts of being a millionnaire and giving away money to all-comers, sexual indiscretion and downright risk-taking…of course I don’t miss that, nor the hellish severe depression haunted by guilt and deep regret which inevitably follows every ‘high’.

Falling In Love Again, Never Wanted To

…What am I to do? I can’t help it.

Sorry blog, it’s been too long.

Obviously love is a drug, and it feels good. It’s also incredibly ill-advised in this case, as it’s a guy I’ve practically lived with for a year and know pretty much warts and all and he is a demonstrably naughty boy and unsuitable in every possible way.

Plus, what about Ezra lol!

I’ve had a good 11 days. Worth noting here as a reminder that it’s still possible for me to feel good without being manic.

Been attending a course in Enlightenment philosophy at the Mary Ward Centre which I’ve very much enjoyed.

Got quite a few online pals, fewer in real life. Stick to my solitary self most of the time.

Bit anxious about the imminent changeover from DLA to PIP (UK Disability Benefits).

Son would appear to be doing OK. Have little contact with him, or even much with my mum with whom he is living.

I’ve been up most of the night, but panic not. It’s most unusual at the moment and one night of missed sleep does not me manic make.

I have a passion for home made granola at the moment. I use melted coconut oil, demerara sugar, oatflakes, spelt flour, dried cherries, raisins, walnut pieces, flaked almonds, candied orange peel and some dark chocolate chips and season with mixed spice, a pinch of salt, cinnamon and vanilla extract. Just mix it all together, spread it in a layer on a greased baking tray and stick it in the oven at gas mark 4 for 20 mins to a half hour till golden brown and crispy at the edges.

That’s probably the first (kinda) recipe I’ve ever put up on this blog. But for the record I’m a not-too-strict vegan, vegetarian for the last 34 years and a keen cook/baker so…

Still a keen browser of a few reddit sites and the odd suicide chatroom, more out of habit than any urgent desire to die.

Life’s treating me well. It won’t last but I’m grateful nonetheless.