Am I Still Ill?

I Only Want You

I have only ever wanted you. I have called for you all my life. Searched you out in unlikely places. Saw nothing anywhere to ‘tempt’ me from your side. And now?

Nothing’s changed. You’re my all in all. How would you imagine there could be someone else for me, ever? Come off it babe, this is ME we’re talkin’ about…haha. Your idea of a joke. You always were the funny guy. Crack me up.

I’ll quote dear friend Morrissey. ‘I entered nothing/and nothing entered me’. I swear I’m still a virgin! Lol!

From the Gospel of St Thomas, only recently discovered by me, we hear Yeshua say that just as the male must allow the female to enter him, he will also ‘turn a woman into a man’ and so she will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. OK, please pardon my cack-handed paraphrasing.

This is very far from a new concept for me, but as ever, it is nice to get confirmation and validation of the precepts one holds close to one’s heart. We are all androgynes, the Most High included.

Many women have had it tough under patriarchy. Just consider all those poor, (often) black, single mothers struggling to be both father and mother to their kids. As a result we grew strong. We were stretched almost beyond endurance at times but hey. It turned out to be for a good cause. We became independent. We no longer ‘needed’ a man to ‘complete’ us or even to ‘protect’ us. WE BECAME OUR OWN HUSBAND. Maybe none of us would have deliberately chosen this path. It was like filthy-tasting medicine we had to take – to make us better. To become more alive and awake, nearer to the Most High.

Many males have been absorbing the Divine Feminine in the same way for aeons. In a sense there’s nothing new ‘under the sun’ as they say. I do sadly notice many men looking rather lost these days though. They are probably realising they’re lagging behind some of the gals. In the grand scheme of things, it’s no biggie, but neither is anything else.

Billyheartbeing/Uplifting Humanity (who I must add to my blogroll if I haven’t already) constantly deconstructs language, picks apart words, studies their derivations. I swear we must be related in some way. I do the same. You gotta ask yourself why we have the phrase ‘what does it MATTER?’ As in matter, the material world, geddit? of course you do!

Gospel of Thomas

The Invisible Career of the Lightworker

Wow. There have been innumerable times in my life when it would have helped me to hear this.

The thankless role of the lightworker.

Our worth and value is not recognised by most people, or society, and the tasks we do are invisible to the 3D world. Instead we are likely to be judged as ‘mentally ill’, ‘defective’, ‘useless’ or just lazy. I’m thankful that as we get older others’ opinions and judgments matter less and less.

What Eckhart Tolle says about ‘frequency holders’, what once might have been called ‘contemplatives’ also resonated for me (see a previous post).

I feel fortunate and blessed that the universe gifted me a home perfectly suited to my work – it’s so peaceful here. And though I dutifully took ‘medication’ for years, by some amazing serendipity I now have a psychiatrist who considers that I don’t require ongoing medication. I do very well without it and the ‘episodes’ I have had recently have not been as troublesome or intolerable as in the past.

Fatigue continues to be an issue, but this may well be connected to withdrawing from those toxic substances. I live in hope that my energy levels will eventually rise again. Fatigue is also a common ‘ascension symptom’ of course.

I even managed to locate a suitable person to cohabit my home with, who has now been here nearly two years. It helps to have that human contact everyday. He is unfailingly cheerful, helpful and respectful and it helps that we live separate lives and are in no way enmeshed or emotionally involved with one another. For me, it beats having a pet and I save on cat food, lol!

A ‘Normal’ Life is Boring

Tears pouring down my cheeks, no I’m not having an emotional meltdown, merely have a rather nasty cold and cough. Aargh. This seems an aptly mundane way to start a piece to update you about where I’m at lately.

Bipolar is a bummer in so many ways. But I do see advantages in it too. I KNOW that my mind state is capable of being radically altered, and that in fact, life itself as I experience it can morph for several months at a time.

It’s by no means all sunshine and rainbows, mania, but at least it breaks up the monotony, no? I get to be that alternate personality, the comedian, the superconfident sex goddess, even if it’s been a toned-down version of late.

Boredom and monotony are strong themes for me lately. The last four months seems more like four years. Some days are crazy long. Not helped by the fact that I’ve often been sleeping only six hours a night.

Fair enough, after the S fiasco the last thing I wanted was to launch myself into any more close associations with anybody. And I haven’t felt lonely very much, compared to the old days. Certainly not needy. Or even deprived. But a drama-free life can be an intensely boring one!

Will I end up bringing someone into my life again just for entertainment purposes? Well if I’m manic I might – even though I’m uncomfortable about the thought of ‘using’ someone as a distraction, in actual fact we probably all do that to some extent.

This ‘low’ period has had a different character to previous ones, just as the ‘high’ did. There’s been more uncomfortable emotions, thoughts, low-level unease, memories, coming up, it’s been a more volatile state than in the past when I just felt perma-depressed/suicidal and stuck.

According to those who are writing and speaking about the ascension, this uncomfortable ‘baggage’ if you will is coming up for a purpose – to be healed. We are counselled to ‘allow’ it without identifying with it or acting on it. This can be super-challenging at times and for me at least, lately the sheer volume of all these clamouring ‘voices’ has been overwhelming. It’s hard to maintain equanimity and constantly remember that ‘this is not me’. Honestly, if it really WAS? I would legitimately have a reason to off myself to be perfectly honest.

Also we’re reminded that we pick up energies present in the human collective consciousness too. Is it me or is the tide of bs now rising to dangerous levels, possibly about to breach the specially-built flood walls? Not to mention our freaking ancestors and whatever of their nonsense we’ve been saddled with. Well you can see I am a little irascible even as we speak.

But I wanted to just put some of this into words. My blog is sometimes the only real record of what has gone on for me over different periods of time. My memory is no longer all that reliable. I need little prods, clues to figure out what happened when.

In terms of my daily life, well, I’m rather fatigued and have been for months. (Probably the lack of sleep didn’t help). I haven’t been on meds for eight months (with the exception of 3 weeks). My psych has discharged me to the care of my GP after 20 years under the Community Mental Health Team. He also feels I am doing fine for now and is not inclined to prescribe a ‘mood stabiliser’ (historically none of them have worked for me in any case and some have unacceptably serious side effects into the bargain). He says I only needs meds when either seriously depressed or manic. He calls this a period of ‘remission’.

Hmm. Well if we regard ‘remission’ as ‘being kinda normal’ I realise that, at least for me, ‘being kinda normal’ is a somewhat depressed/jaundiced mentality. And looking around me, also my extensive readings online, I don’t see that the so-called ‘normal’ are so very different.

My boy J called while I was typing the above paragraph, we were on the phone for an hour and a half as usual, so I’ve kind of forgotten where I was going with that now, so I’ll just leave it there.