Am I Still Ill?

Please God

Please God. See us through. Protect us. Guide our steps.

You have blessed me and M with a very special relationship. Thank you Lord. We were both in dire need of support and someone special for companionship in this life.

You move in mysterious ways your wonders to perform. And what has happened, is happening between us is a source of constant wonder to both of us Lord.

You have blessed us so very greatly Lord. Help us to be worthy of this amazing gift you have given us.

We love you.

Z X

Demons etc

Demons can still get into my head and they proved it yesterday. My Mum’s anxiety over my son threw me into a tailspin of worry and doubt. Her reality challenged mine to a fight, and for a little while it won.

The moments of dark despair soon passed. But the intensity of it wrestled any complacency I might feel about my life now to the floor.

There is a part of me that still cosies up to ideas of death, a la Biggie Smalls and so many other hip hop artists who are pretty much gods to me. I have never acted on suicidal thoughts and never will, but I have no fear of death itself, only possibly the pain that might be involved in the manner of passing.

Those mind demons are alive and well, tho’ they give me long breaks when they only seem to want to attack my body.

I’m not alone any more. But no partner, however wonderful, miraculous and much-loved, can be proof against private torment.

We live for our music and each other, but out of the two of us, I’m the most fearless without a doubt.

Lots love. Z X

Musings

Hi folks. My blogging at the moment (as so often) is a way of getting some perspective on my fairly strange life which can so challenge my sense of reality at times. My space to reflect and try and make sense of at least some of it. I’m so grateful and humbled that anyone at all still wants to read it, cos even if they didn’t I would still be compelled to use this outlet. Maybe the exhibitionist in me likes the public nature of it, tho’ I frankly think it’s more about the simple human desire to share and be heard.

And the egotist possibly that believes I AM important and interesting enough to have something to say worth hearing…

M is still the central preoccupation of my life right now, and I don’t see that changing any time soon, if ever. You know when love is real, tho’ it can challenge reality, but you know because of how that person makes you feel when you’re with them, I guess.

My partnership with him, on top of all the painful events of last year plus my spiritual emergency over the Christmas period with the Romanians, is changing me and changing my life.

But I also have responsibilities. I have a son under the care of the Local Authority. My mother is anxious about his current situation and state of mind, and now, so am I. I’ve got to let him know that contrary to what he thinks, I’m thinking of him and very much wanting to see him.

Lots love. Z X

Touchdown

Well I have been in orbit for several months to some degree. And my Sun has been M. But as we all know, being with someone 24/7 is not a viable option for two mature adults. Up till now I slightly resisted separation out of fear of abandonment stemming from the many abandonments I’ve experienced since a child and in virtually all my previous relationships. Today I actually wanted to initiate one for the first time. Which is actually a good thing.

Now living more comfortably back at home in my two up two down terraced council house. I had a lot of fears around that only a week ago but those are virtually gone now. Which goes to show that one should not let these passing terrors shake one at one’s foundation. I’m learning to recognise my feelings for what they are … just feelings. Sometimes they are helpful guides. Sometimes they are demons from the past.

Re-connecting with friends is something I’ve known I would need to do for some weeks, and I’m meeting someone for a tea this afternoon. I really need others in order to keep perspective on the intimacy with M. By God he can be heavy going at times, but as I know all too well, so can I.

I went through a very intense spiritual crisis over the Christmas and New Year period that culminated in forming this close bond with M. I’ve never experienced anything like it. The Romanian psychologists staying with me supported me through it to some degree, but it became too much for them and they decamped after I seemed to infect them too with the madness virus.

They were very key to me entering this new phase of life, for which I’ll always be massively grateful. Although I knew M for many years as a friend I never envisaged him as a partner and I don’t think it would have happened if it hadn’t been for the intense healing crisis or ‘spiritual emergency’ in Stanislav Grof’s terms, that happened over Christmas.

It was far from purely mental but involved my whole body being racked with all kinds of pain, fever, intense flu symptoms etc. And I saw visible changes in myself which I recorded using my mobile phone camera.

More recently, after I stopped being the needier one with M having to visit me in hospital and look after pretty much all my needs while I was there, including bringing me three meals a day, I felt that I needed to take the role of caring for him through what I see as his own spiritual emergency. Often this would involve just watching over him while he slept, or just being there to contain his many shifting moods, including quite intense anger.

I know these demons. How they have beset me over the years. M and I are soul mates. We resonate at a deep level with one another because of similar (though not the same) expriences. And I maintain (rightly or wrongly) that I am pretty much the last and only recourse for him (and he for me) in terms of a relationship that can contain and ride out these storms of both of our challenging natures.

He plays the dad role with me sometimes. And I the mum one with him, because both of us have a strong inner child that still needs nurturing, that never was nurtured before as it needed to be. That sadly was left hurt and abandoned too many times for there not to be a goodly helping of emotional baggage left over…

Which is why I am able to ride out the storms with M. And people that see us together seem to understand and respect what we do for one another. It isn’t an easy ride. But the course of true love never did run smooth.

Heaps of love. Z X

Weird Love

I’m so happy folks. So happy.

How do you write interestingly or entertainingly about happiness?

Now out of hospital (have been for nearly two weeks). Much calmer and doing a fine job of ‘out-norming the normals’ (which has been my goal for many years).

But I can be honest here. I’m far from most people’s definition of normal, even if they knew what that was, and let’s face it , it’s notoriously hard to define.

M and I are loved up beyond belief. I’ve watched him change and grow in the months we’ve been together. Demonic attacks on him are still a daily occurence. But it’s nothing like it was.

He’s begun to trust me.

We went for yet another pregnancy test yesterday and like all the others, it was negative. It’s always his idea to go for these tests. I don’t trust doctors and medical procedures as a rule, a tradition passed on to me by both my parents, bless them.

If it was up to me I wouldn’t care a damn to be honest. I’m a wholly indoctrinated environmentalist (thank you Richard, for all those years of schooling!) I am not out to increased the already unbearable burden on this poor long-suffering planet of 0urs.

But it was something M wanted. He has three kids by different women and has been largely kept out of their lives to a greater or lesser extent.

Then again, as we are truly not normal, and both raving nutters by our own admission, we don’t think we’re bound by normal laws of science etc in any case.  And I think that whatever he wants, he should have or will get.

We don’t see much of other people. We aren’t making much effort to see friends etc.

I never had anyone in my life that I could be with 24/7 like that without fearing a mental breakdown. When you meet your soul partner and you know that’s what they are, it’s different.

My poor long suffering mother, at 79, finds us a bit hard to take I think it’s fair to say. When we see her in person she warms and can be quite sweet. But then she retrenches to her former position if I talk to her on the phone. She finds every possible reason why it won’t and can’t work long term.

But this is beyond long-term and all other temporal measures, for us. It’s the eternal flame (at risk of evoking soppy song connotations). I confess we both listen to Magic FM quite a bit!

I’m guilty of not ever having had a life that anyone could recognise as average or conventional. I’m a mould breaker, a gentle, sensitive, homicidal revolutionary wrestling with the Tiger in my own tank.

And I found someone who was basically my male equivalent. A Desperado. Someone who suffered greatly and turned to God with a simple prayer from the heart because there was no other recourse. The parable of the Prodigal Son seems to be about M.

Reader I’m gonna marry him. One day when we find a way of living without state benefits.

We’re both weird, high-maintenance, many-faceted with a history of failed relationships with other people. Both of us were very attractive to the opposite sex, but paradoxically found ourselves getting regularly dumped or just taken advantage of until we decamped.

We find out new stuff about each other (and ourselves) every day.

To quote the Smiths. ‘No it’s not like any other love. This one is different because it’s us’.

And everyone thinks they know us.

There we are folks. I tried to describe happiness, but it’s next to impossible, and I’ve probably just annoyed hell out of you instead.

Lots love, and thanks for reading. X

Domestic Bliss or Nearly

Hi Peeps. I feel I should update you tho’ it’s a little overwhelming.

Well I said in my tagline to the blog that I believe in feeding and clothing demons. And now I’ve got my own pet demon who feeds and clothes me!

We’re engaged. With a silver ring. I’m not the same person I was. And between you and me I don’t think he is either.

But the course of true love never did run smooth. There are times when he needs his own space and I have to accept that, and that he is allowed to go and find it without telling me anything about where he goes, but if I did the same to him he would throw a wobbler.

He gets to take me for granted, then I have to shake him up a little so he stops. I never get to take him for granted.

He gets posessive and jealous over me. Which is nice in one way, annoying in another, especially when he starts to accuse me of having eyes for other men.

He has to fight many demons daily. I try to tell him that resistance only gives them more power over him and it’s better to just recognise them for what they are and let them be. This is harder for a man than a woman, as a man will tend to just go into fight flight mode…it’s hard wired into them with testosterone and all.

In my way I try to protect him as much as I can. And in his way, he protects me. He is with me all the time creating an invisible ring of fire around me that other men/women/demons/whatever can’t breach.

We both know that this is for real. But other people’s unreality can challenge our own sense of who we are.

I make noises pretty much every day about seeing the bigger picture and not isolating ourselves too much. Slowly I think the message is getting through that he doesn’t have to see other people as any kind of threat.

I am always two steps ahead in any given situation. This accounts for why I can sometimes find myself feeling so very alone, and for the peiods of alienation that can occur between even me and this man whom I love so much and would never be parted from if I had my way.

I can find my own space with him in the house. I can go to another room in my head at any time. He is more hyperactive and has to sometimes create physical distance. Well, ain’t that just like that old ting about men and their ‘sheds’!

Much love to all of you. Thank you for reading. It’s a privilege to have you on board my blog! Long may she sail! And not hit the rocks too often!

Zoe XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX