Well, so far so predictable. Actually I have better days. Yesterday I felt almost normal, which for me is somewhat depressed but kind of hopeful. It’s no huge deal I guess. I’ve been looking around for more things to do, especially at the weekends. Meetups and such. There are lots for shy/socially anxious/depressed people in London, which is encouraging.
Ohmigosh. There was drama aplenty when I went manic back at the beginning of September. I promptly developed a crush on a hugely inappropriate person (running true to form), thought he was a god, I was a god etc etc. This was all online. If he ever reads this I want to just apologise from the bottom of my heart (he eventually blocked me from all contact). I was absolutely horrible, and he really was a kind and decent guy who didn’t deserve any of it.
Well, the mania lasted for over four months. I’d binned all my meds in the early throes of it and refused any contact with mental health services, apart from a few visits from my faithful Floating Support Worker. Thank God I didn’t do anything to get myself banged up in hospital. Actually, about half of the time it was very pleasant, I was cocooned in my own fantasy world where I get to commune with all kinds of people I don’t even know telepathically and feel very much in control (for once!)!
I hasten to add that some of my neighbours took a dim view of the music constantly wafting from my dwelling place at all hours of the day and night. Once again, true to form, I gave away huge sums of money to some of the most undeserving people ever…Basically I am always convinced I’m a millionnaire, or very soon to be. I learned that this alas, was not the case when my bank account unaccountably stopped filling up.
This time around I have been able to recover financially fairly quickly, more by luck than judgment. I haven’t had much contact with my son over his Christmas and birthday period though, as I was away with the fairies and didn’t get it together to send him anything, though I did try to ring. This was not good.
I’m going to try and write him a letter as opposed to email. I need to reassure him that I’m back on Planet Earth and see if I can make up for the missed birthday/Christmas. And tell him I’m thinking of him etc. And that I’m so sorry.
Today I saw the psych. He didn’t want to put me back on any meds! I couldn’t have been more surprised! I’m currently depressed and somewhat anxious, but haven’t been on anything for five months and am still miraculously in one piece. He wants to see how I go with activities, an anxiety management group and meetings with my care coordinator for talk/support.
Said group was this afternoon, it did me a lot of good actually. After being so profoundly out to lunch I was feeling very disconnected and isolated. I feared I had lost the ability to connect with others. It felt pretty scary, in the midst of the depression. But there were a couple of women I know and like in the group and I felt almost totally normal in it. They both suffer from social anxiety too, so the identification really helped.
Well I am a long way from being out of the woods. But I’ve realised the error of my previous ways. I was on the Internet too much and using suicide as a coping strategy. That wasn’t healthy. It distanced me from others and made me more socially anxious, so it was even harder to make and be around friends (never an easy thing for me at the best of times).
I get so sad and guilty about my son when depressed that I sometimes don’t even think I deserve to live the best life I can, or at all. But if I go down that route again (suicide ideation and websites) it’s just gonna make matters worse, and I won’t be in a position to help him or support him if and when he chooses to ask for it. So I’m committed to striving on and trying to make a go of life, though God knows, it’s never easy.
To end on a pleasant note, I am rediscovering the joys of reading books. I had thought I no longer could because of the Internet, but I can, and I am.
Am I Still Ill? 