Recovery
Anxiety of a quite severe kind piled on top of depression over the last week. Starting on the depot of Risperidone also seemed to have the side effect of making me feel dissociated, disconnected, cut off, though that could easily have been the anxiety and depression causing that. Whatever it was, it was scary and unpleasant. I felt, once again, as if I was permanently and irretrievably losing my marbles. It would be the very hell itself to live in that disconnected way, in constant fear of people, places, things and life in general…
Thank you to those of you who have contacted me since my confession of embarrassment, encouraging me to keep ‘sharing’ despite the often extreme ebbs and flows of manic or depressed mood.
I took a few days out from M to try and get my head together, but not seeing him just made me feel even worse. He has the happy knack of being able to cheer me up and distract me from my woes. Yes, my association with him has impacted badly on my bank balance, but what price happiness or even a little relief when you are in the pits? OK that does read like a drug addict’s manual. It’s a short term fix. But don’t knock it until you yourself are in as desperate a state as I have been just lately…
I do have narcissistic tendencies, as one negative commenter helpfully pointed out, and another implied. I am rather self- obsessed. But I read somewhere that one of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder is lack of empathy, and that isn’t me. Quite the opposite. I tend to feel others’ pain all too strongly. My personal boundaries are faulty.
Been doing some Day Therapies at the local hospital. Music therapy (individual) and pottery were particularly helpful. I was in a bad way though, and felt in danger of heading back to the wards, this time with excruciating depression. The need for some gentle low-level activity in the company of other people was never greater.
My Mum is coming up today to attend a meeting at the home where my son is based for now, to discuss his future. His situation has been a major cause of anxiety to both of us lately. He is being influenced by the other boys in the home to smoke weed in one of its most noxious forms…skunk. His school attendance remains poor, perhaps unsurprisingly given this latest lifestyle choice.