Last Time Lover
Archive for January, 2017
Censored on my Own Blog
Yep…you heard it here first.
Aww Shout Out To Sweden!
You folks are seriously cool and I noticed a grand total of two of you have been checking my blog which gave me a nice little boost.
I obsessively check my stats which needless to say are ridiculously low, but it’s all part of the fun…
If I didn’t already live in the best city of the best country in the world…well Scandinavia would be right up there trust me. I’m pretty sure the disability benefits are generous there too! How civilised lol.
I can say these things and get away with it safe in the knowledge that the DWP will NEVER find this blog as it actually exists in a different dimension, so…
Was thinking of Ezra again lying on my bed as my guy was playing tracks on the PC downstairs. And I just pictured, him, blissed out in a prison cell. Which put me somewhat at peace too…coz I think he astral travels. Walls were never a problem to him when he stayed at my gaff lol. Plus he wasn’t the jealous, possessive sort.
Thank God for me, I’ve never gone for that kind of man. Would probably have been rotting in bin bags all cut up in his garden if I had, hey?
Foreverlove. In a Bridget Jones stylee.
The greatest joy of it for me is that EVERYONE – bar my wonderful therapist – told me this guy was bad news and to kick him out pronto! Ain’t it funny how life turns out?
I will always write these letters to myself though. Just like Dido said, I desire nothing more than I get, and nothing I have is truly mine.
Uh Oh
Oh dear folks, I’ve fallen in love and it’s official as of yesterday.
But Zoe/Louise, we’ve heard all of this before and it seems to happen on a regular basis!
I know folks. I’m like the boy who cried wolf.
Gotta tell you though, I’ve got it baaaad this time! I know I should know better at my age.
It’s Solly if you must know. The drunken drug dealer yeah. Really eligible bachelor material as you can see.
He’s VERY extraverted. That makes it hard for me sometimes as he’s always getting other claims on his attention.
All of his manifold faults aside, I’ve fallen like, 200mph onto concrete.
A Word On Happiness
It may be something that is better experienced than forensically analysed but you know me, gentle reader. Where I’m concerned, anything is up for dissection under the mental microscope.
Happiness is not euphoria. It isn’t the feeling of huge relief or pleasant surprise when, I don’t know, you discover an extra windfall in your bank account and can actually pay that outstanding gas or electric bill that you were fretting over.
Happiness is not the ‘high’ that is the inevitable concomitant of the ‘low’ associated with taking any kind of substance, engaging in addictive behaviour, or for that matter, in a codependent or other kind of unhealthy relationship with another person.
True happiness is not evanescent. It doesn’t suddenly appear only to be blown away.
Well greater experts than me have written whole books about this stuff, with such titles as ‘Positive Psychology’ and that French Buddhist monk guy who is rumoured to be the happiest man in the world, lolol.
True happiness is derived partly from knowing who you are. It can’t be found in others, only within. No one on god’s earth can hand you a parcel of happiness gift wrapped with a bow on top. Nor will winning the freaking lottery materially affect your happiness level, but heck, that’s so well-documented as to be a cliche and I’d really like to move beyond that level of analysis.
So it appears that there would be many more things you can say that happiness is NOT, than there are words to describe what it actually IS.
We all seek it though, in so many different places, do we not? When most of the time we have NO IDEA of the actual nature of what we seek! Imagine spending your life looking for something when you’ve NO CLUE what it even looks, smells, or tastes like! Truly most ‘advice’ you’ll get on this is simply the blind leading the blind.
So there we all are, completely in the dark folks. NO ONE gave us lessons in happiness at school.
So, not that I am a huge expert with decades of experience, in all honesty I am operating here largely by a process of elimination, because like all of you, I have searched from pillar to post in all the wrong places for this elusive Pokemon.
So I must conclude with all the humility that should be attached to the subject and say that 1) Happiness is a state of flow which can often be accompanied by great creativity 2) Happiness is a condition of inner freedom 3) Happiness is contagious and affects all those around you, and 4), most importantly of all, it is being at peace with who you are.
Even if you are extrovert by nature, your happiness should not entirely depend on other people, EVER. People are fallible and will ALWAYS let you down if you allow them too much power over your state of mind.
Your relationship with yourself will always trump every connection to another. In fact that elusive true connection with another DEPENDS on your relationship with yourself.
Believe me I know how frustating and annoying it is when people tell you to leave a partner they believe to be ‘bad for you’, and to go and ‘love yourself’. So hard to do when you have just had your heart put through the emotional wringer! All you can reasonably expect at that precise moment is to physically survive and keep breathing.
‘Loving yourself’ will NEVER happen overnight. For fuck’s sake, you have just had your heart broken and pulped! The best you can ever expect to do at that point is conscientiously see that all your physical needs are met, and if possible have a friend or therapist to confide in to ease the pain.
So no, I STILL can’t pinpoint for you what happiness is and I highly doubt the dictionary definition will yield any useful enlightenment on the subject, so I haven’t even bothered going there.
All I can say with certainty is that when you reach a state of true happiness in your life? You will know it. You won’t want to shout it all around the town because it is by nature a quiet, shy and infinitely precious thing that should never be cheapened by even putting it into words, let’s not even talk about displaying it on Facebook!
And yes, without true humility you will never even approach it. Because you will be all too aware of its elusive, mysterious and ineffably delicate nature. How it can be grabbed away at any time. How it is the gift of the universe to us rather than being any kind of reward for ‘goodness’, ‘hard work’, ‘good luck’, or even tirelessly trying to be sweet, generous and kind to everyone we meet.
It just doesn’t work that way because happiness is NEVER deserved. All of us are little shits, lets face it. The more layers you peel off the onion of a particular individual, the more you will find to dislike! Is it for nothing that peeling onions tends to make you cry?
All I can say, to conclude, is that I have recently experienced what I believe to be true happiness. It is very very far from a manic ‘high’. It has more in common with meditative states. Fundamentally it is a sense of ‘the peace that passeth all understanding’. It isn’t even pain-free and can even be uncomfortable at times, as new experiences often are!
The bottom line? I am at age 54 finally beginning to love, truly love, who I really am. There’s a sense of potency. There is a naturally outgoing, generous quality to it which I have painfully lacked for many years, and indeed remain an introvert by nature but that’s entirely immaterial here. In other words true happiness is something that cries out to be shared, and NEVER to be kept to yourself, like a miser hoarding money.
Nothing earth-shattering has triggered this. No lottery win, haha, especially as I’ve never so much as purchased one lottery ticket in my entire life. It’s just come to me as a gift from the wide blue yonder and honestly? There is NOTHING of greater value that life holds for any of us than this. Don’t ever strive for something you don’t even know or understand and were given no clue about in school. Happiness lies within, can never be sought, can never be chased and can never be quantified.
A few years ago I was chronically suicidal and thought my life was over at 50. But needless to say, age has absolutely NOTHING to do with the degree of happiness experienced by any one individual. Remember that phrase ‘youth is wasted on the young’? Because the demonstrable reality is that ‘youth’, when we supposedly are at our most attractive and energetic and have our ‘whole life ahead of us’ can often be as miserable as all hell.
And as I’ve now tested your attention span to the limits telling you what happiness ‘isn’t’ I will just, with all my heart, wish you dearest reader, a heart overflowing with happiness that will transform your world and that of everyone around you.
Why I’ll Always Be A Mummy’s Girl
It’s the same for so many of us. Our mum had to shoulder the responsibility for effectively being both our mum and our dad. For whatever reason. Whether he was actually absent, or just emotionally unavailable.
And god knows, as Tupac so rightly said, it’s hard for a single mother to raise a man.
Though you may by now have noticed I’m not a man (and trust me, the way I write? It can be hard to tell lol), my mum will always be my Number One.
There is more than a touch of the divine about a good mother.
Yes, unconditional love, that goes without saying, but where else in this sad and sorry world do you ever find that?
And she may not even know until nearing the end of her life how much she’s appreciated, and what an enormous debt we owe her.
So my son, my brother and I did our best to let her know, as her 85th birthday was on Wednesday. She’s always been a total star, and as my son put on his birthday card to her, thanks for being ‘awesome’.
No words though can ever express our debt of gratitude that can never be repaid. Which is why I posted this and this.
A Word On Fidelity
Hmm. It’s a tough one this.
Ever watched the Jeremy Kyle show? If you have, you’ll know that the word ‘cheat’ or ‘cheating’ comes up more often even than ‘You’re a dirty little liar!’
OK for non-UK readers, Jeremy Kyle is a bit like a cross between Dr Phil and Gerry Springer. Yep, folks, it’s real peeps, albeit they mostly seem to be selected from the ‘white trash’ section of the UK population. Yep they are fat, yep they have bad teeth, yep they totally lack conflict resolution skills, and for the most part, everyone knows EXACTLY what to expect when they tune in.
And millions do. It’s one of my guilty pleasures and most days it’ll be the ONLY TV I watch all day, lol.
And from the first time I observed this and the constant talk of ‘cheating’ (meaning sexual infidelity in a supposedly monogamous relationship) I was puzzled by it.
And I am NOT trying to be controversial here. I am simply telling you honestly what I think and feel about this constant obsession, on Jeremy Kyle at least, with ‘cheating’.
I essentially don’t recognise it and don’t believe I have ever done it. Nor has anyone ever done it to me. The only time I ever use the word is as a joke…like telling someone I’m cheating on him with Jeremy Kyle, in other words I don’t wanna talk until the show’s over.
I am a serial adulterer,, well yeah maybe. But how come nearly all my exes that I supposedly ‘cheated on’ or was ‘unfaithful to’, are still my friends?
With all respect to JK, and yes I DO respect him for what he does and who he is, put me in the stocks and sling rotten eggs at me if you like, it’s complete and utter bollocks.
Being ‘faithful’ in a committed relationship is NOTHING to do with who you ‘passionately kiss’, ‘have sexual contact with’ or even who you shag.
Solly and I NEVER have sex. We’re both celibate at the moment, pretty much. I’m not saying we haven’t in the past (in the early days) or that we won’t EVER. But he’s my Number One…and though it’s never easy for him to articulate these things, I believe, nay, I KNOW that I am his.
And this may be the first time I have EVER been able to say this truthfully. Many guys have been my Number One for awhile. I may have been committed as fuck for the time being. But when I went into a manic episode? Huh, forget all that!
OK to spell this out as clearly as I know how. 1) Physical fidelity does not score high on my radar. And 2) If you know someone is your soulmate and your twin, and you’re confident in yourself – why would it bother you if he gets drunk at a party and gropes another girl or even goes home with her?
Well, a little bit earlier I posted the song ‘Exes and Ohs’. My guys never forget me and I’m not supplanted in their affections. Because there’s no one like me, no one. It’s not that they pine for me, Gosh, life moves on and they may even find someone they’re happy with. But they don’t forget me.
Fine if you think that makes me conceited or narcissistic. I’m perfectly OK with whatever you wanna think. Thoughts are free, right?
But I will just be straightforward and call it confidence. I KNOW they won’t find what I gave them elsewhere. And many of them will wistfully look for a replacement which they are doomed never to find!
If I find a man who can help me keep my feet on the ground? Who loves and sticks by me through depression, mania and everything that lies between? A guy that listens to what I say then comes back with something relevant that shows he heard me?
I purely and simply belong to that guy forever.
And no I’ve never been ‘lucky in love’ whatever that means. I’ve left a trail of broken hearts and messed-up relationships behind me. My own heart I might add has been roundly trashed and put through a mincer. It’s been pulped, left in the sun to dry then pounded to a powder. Pulverised, yes, literally. So what can you do with a powder other than snort it up your nose? Scatter it to the four winds maybe. Is this why I’m now a cold, heartless and ruthless bitch?
But whatever you might say about life, it’s full of freaking surprises.
Who the fuck knew I would fall for a guy little more than half my age and that he would fall for me?
As I told you before, he’s in danger of going back to prison, from where he could be sent to a detention centre with the aim of possibly deporting him to Somalia, for fuck’s sake. A country he has never lived in. So this is hardly a happy-ever-after scenario right here.
But I’ve truthfully never been ANYONE’S number one, and don’t know what it is to take central place in someone’s life. Am I grateful to him for this? Hell, no. He’s put me through the wringer too, like so many others. He emphatically doesn’t DESERVE my devotion. But hey. He goes off for days and nights at a time to try and do his hustle and chill with his pals. And if he was to get horny and shag some girl? I truthfully would not give a fuck!
It can never be one rule for one and a double standard for the other. I need my freedom like the air I breathe. And I totally respect his right to his. Why wouldn’t he come back? He always freakin’ does! Because he makes me happy, and vice versa.
He Loves Me
He’s not infatuated. I haven’t seduced him. We’ve lived together over a year, not as an item.
My one fear? That he’ll be snatched away by the po po like the last two. And this time it could potentially be even more serious. Because of the immigration issues. I’ve had to live with this all the time I’ve known him. A lesson in impermanence? Or could it be a case of ‘three times lucky’?
And what really hurts is he doesn’t seem to take it seriously. He seems on the one hand anxious and on the other, completely cavalier about the prospect of going to jail. He’ll say things like ‘You’ll write to me won’t you?’ Acccchhhh. Been there and done that twice already. I’m getting so tired of it now.
I told him I won’t be visiting him in Somalia. I’ve told him ‘I ain’t going to jail. Not even to visit a nigga’ (50 Cent). And for once he replied laughing ‘Who says I’m going to Somalia?’ Well up to now, he has. I’ve pointed out that exchanging letters from jail is NOTHING like having someone in your life who you can see or talk to everyday and hold him in your arms like he’s the most precious gift in the universe.
I pointed out to him a Somalian convicted rapist who was in the news, almost the same age as him who also came here at age 10. He’s recently been charged and convicted of (unsuccessfully) attempting to drug and kidnap young schoolgirls in our local area. And apparently HE got a stay of deportation to Somalia on grounds of human rights.
But he doesn’t seem remotely interested. Talk of using the human rights act seems to go right over his head. He never looks up realistic ways to avoid this happening at all costs. It seems like I’m the one it all devolves on. He’s usually busy getting drunk to escape it all.
If it was as simple as getting a marriage of convenience I would do it tomorrow. I would have done it yesterday. I doubt if it would make a shred of difference though. But this is a petty criminal. He gets done for not particularly serious assaults now and again and possession of Class B drugs. The reality is, he’s far more vulnerable than he is a danger to anybody. But all of the little things mount up. He had a passport someone had given him which the po po found at his house and is considered stolen goods. He had to go back to court for non payment of fines of about £1000 but arrangements have been made for him to pay it back in instalments of £10 a fortnight.
Solly I beg you, don’t do this to me again. Being torn away from you would be akin to losing my right leg.
The po po surely have bigger fish to fry in this urban landscape.
He likes to tease and test me though. But that doesn’t take away the fact that he is in a vulnerable position, and therefore, so am I.
Fighting Off Mania
I had a good night’s sleep. but only thanks to doubling up my seroquel plus taking my illegally acquired benzos. OK. YOU try getting them legally in the UK if you fancy a few hours in a GP’s surgery to emerge with a big fat nothing. If it means I sleep soundly for seven or eight hours, that’s a great result in my book. Because 100% right perceptive reader. I AM susceptible to becoming manic right now.
I regard my extreme ‘mood swings’ as way more than that. At risk of becoming monotonous, these are altered states of consciousness, not moods. They are not evanescent or even necessarily triggered by life events.
As I’ve told you before., being ‘manic or ‘high’ is roughly like being high on every psychedelic substance known to man. It lasts usually about three months but the last one? Eight months gentle reader and that was a record even for me.
Seasoned readers of this blog will know that when I start posting a LOT of music videos it usually means something’s up. And so it’s at this time when I DESPERATELY need to sleep. Apart from anything else that pressured headspace is profoundly uncomfortable. It isn’t all fun and games, mania.
My on-off association with Solly is on for now. Truth to tell even when it’s off it’s on, and when it’s on? It could just as easily be off.
Bottom line is this guy is like crack cocaine for me. He makes me happy. When I have to withdraw it requires all my inner strength and resources to survive it. But the ball is always in my court. If I tell him to leave, he goes. He doesn’t harass or threaten me. He isn’t violent. He VERY much has a life outside of me.
Yes, I had to hammer this point home many many times over. And if I hadn’t loved and believed in this guy he would have been fried bread a long time ago.
OK I may have to edit and repost this later, but he’s come home and I find it hard to focus when anyone is around me.
Am I Still Ill? 