Am I Still Ill?

Ayyyy! He Dissed My Brutha Wiley!

Luckily Wiley took it all in good part. ‘Yanno what I meant by that? Exactly what I said.’

Classic!!!

One Sucky Birthday Later

Yeah, yesterday I turned, aaargh, 55. I spent most of it not only alone but pretty much in solitary confinement as Solly absented himself apart from a generic happy birthday text. I was too upset by this to want to talk to anyone else and spent the day wandering the streets feeling utterly alienated. But heck, what are birthdays anyway? Ideally they might be a chance for others to show you you matter to them and they were glad you were born.

No one gives a fuck about me. Correction, I got a card from my mum on Monday enclosing some post-it notes. And one from my very conscientious and kind cousin who I haven’t set eyes on for years and years.

Well I was lying on my bed around 9pm having largely got over the hurt and the crappy mobile phone he insisted on buying me rang. He arrived presently with a good friend of his who has been round before (he trusts him you see), bearing a bunch of orange roses and a box of Ferrero Rocher (which I don’t like lol).

So with Douglas the lodger and music on YouTube we did in the end have ourselves a little party. You really don’t need many bodies to make a party if the vibe is right. Three is the minimum I guess. And he showered me with affection (by his standards). He couldn’t keep up the act for very long though. When he launched into yet another drunken rant about my ‘snitching’ in front of his pal I just excused myself and went to bed.

He’s asleep on the sofa as I type this. None of it is right, but it’s OK, as one of Whitney’s least inspiring numbers goes. At least I’m not on crack, horribly famous or dangerously underweight right?

Is it in the bible, the saying about ‘he who loves his life will lose it and conversely he who hates it will be given more’? (I loosely paraphrase).

Well if so I can testify to the absolute truth of that statement. And some of us are just (unfortunately) built to last.

Ghost V Machine

Hey folks, I was off-air for a bit, some misunderstanding about a new domain name they offered me. Well I’ve gone back to the original one now and the problem seems to be sorted.

Here I am, Friday night, alone at home as usual. Not that I especially want to be out, but I don’t know. I think the problem for me of being all alone for too long is that doubt and confusion tend to set in. There’s no one to remind me that I even exist, I feel like I’m floating around in a void.

Solly’s been about a fair bit though. He does all the shit I don’t do…like talking to all sorts of people on the street and being seen all over the place. He’s an extravert. I told him it would be nice to have friends round here. He is just cautious and somewhat paranoid maybe, though arguably it’s NOT paranoia if they really are all out to get you.

I’m focusing on maximising my physical health and fitness by eating really healthy, getting regular rest/sleep and of course some exercise and fresh air.

It’s nice to be back blogging though.

Jealousy

Yep, he’s jealous. More than just possessive, jealous. He is horribly aware that I have things he doesn’t and never can.

Was never drawn to relationships with violent men. Nothing’s changed.

Solly was never violent to me before, only somewhat threatening and intimidating on occasion.

But on Friday night he launched into a prolonged, savage and totally unprovoked attack on my person. Specifically my face. He knew he could never possess its beauty, would have to share it with the rest of the world and with me. Could never have it for himself. So he did his best to eradicate it.

The attack went on for about an hour and a half. There was nothing whatsoever I could do. Obviously I tried to shield myself from blows, obviously there was no way to truly defend myself. He has superior force. I didn’t require educating about that fact. I doubt I learned anything from the experience except just how badly he feels.

And as his ‘wifey’ I am supposed to be responsible for his happiness. It is my job to make him happy. If he isn’t, my fault. If the criminal justice system still wants to pursue him, likewise. Clearly I am not alone in being sceptical about free will. We are all slaves. The difference in our quality of life depends on what we choose to enslave ourselves to.

But he abnegates responsibility. He is more of a slave than I.

Well, my home became a crime scene later that night. I was taken by the police to hospital. Everyone was uniformly wonderful to me. Forensic evidence photographs were taken. Douglas the lodger became the absolute hero of the hour, managing to track down Solly and turn him in to the police, which required guile and the good knowledge of Solly that he has.

Of course I don’t want him locked up. Lock him up, you’re essentially locking me up too. I conveyed this to the police in no uncertain terms. He is a danger only to me and I am prepared to take that risk, do NOT attempt to protect me or know better than me what is ‘right’ or ‘in our best interests’. Offer him help yes by all means. Prison to him is like a holiday with friends, no deterrent, hurts me worse and a waste of everyone’s time.

Well my instinct/intuition is that he will be bailed if he has not been already. He will probably have to appear in court at a later date. Probably the Crown Court as this IS actually grievous bodily harm. Lucky for him he has a good lawyer. Me. We will get him off.

In the meantime yeah I miss him, I always do but clearly he needs a bit of time out. He cannot face me right now. Has to face himself first, and truly I would hate to be him. Never have envied him in any way. He is worth precisely one-third of what I am, arguably less but to be generous, we will say one third. That is all he can ever be worth because leopards do not change their spots.

As for me, well I feel as if I were recovering from a face transplant operation. My whole face is numb and at the same time, it’s sore and burns. Clearly I look an absolute fright. He was totally wrong though to think that it would make me stay home. I went out shopping yesterday and for lunch out, totally unabashed by my Halloween-like appearance. No one really stared. They all know me.

I have currently one male friend who is like a brother, one female friend who is like a friend (lol), and Douglas. Between the three of them I am watched over to a degree. By the time he does get the courage to return here he will know beyond all doubt that he has NOT succeeded in isolating me and never can. I am the least vulnerable and most highly protected target he could possibly have picked on.

He is the vulnerable one. And as so many of us are, he is his own worst enemy.