Here we are, it’s Sunday morning here, following my good day lol. I feel a little anxious but not too bad.
My epiphany – was essentially that human connection is paramount and the most fundamental purpose of our lives.
It can work magic. I had such a beautiful conversation (two actually) with a 16 year old boy in Florida on Skype! I felt I was able to play my part in helping and reassuring HIM. It was great for me to understand that I am not just a needy black hole, that I have functioning fingers and toes, can express myself in writing and effectively, and have empathy for those who are suffering.
By extension I realised that though my son and I are not on the greatest terms with each other right now that my bond with him is simply unbreakable and if nothing else, he knows deep down that he is utterly central to my life, however many times I may have fucked up the communication, partly down to my mental illnesses. I realised that while there’s life there’s hope. If I top myself the story ends there, but while we’re still both on Planet Earth we can at any time improve the quality of communication between us and thus, our relationship. We can turn this around if there’s only the will (and the need) on both sides. He knows there’s more to me than laughing inappropriately when faced with a loved one’s pain. I know the same about him (because yes, we have both done this to each other). It is not the essence of who we are. We humans are so complex and many-sided. There is always more to discover.
We ended our last conversation by me saying I loved him and he said he loved me too. Love is not a ‘feeling’. It’s more of an intention to do right by someone. And I certainly have that, I think he does too. Close relatives often find it hard to help each other because we literally cannot stand the pain the other one is in. I know I wish I could take all his pain away, even take it on myself if necessary.
We all need a purpose, I felt I had none but ya know what A? I obsessively read forums of suffering people, have been doing this for years , so I now know quite a lot about what is out there and how people do or don’t cope with the pain they’re in.
I have the gift of a PC, smartphone and internet connection (and a nice quiet home where I can concentrate). I have the gift of empathy, understanding and non-judgment and a reasonable understanding of psychology in practice. I find it reasonably easy to connect with people online. These are all things that a lot of people lack!! I have the gift of 54 years on this planet, struggling and suffering with my own disorders. I totally understand wanting to end one’s life because the pain is too much and hope is nowhere to be found.
There is nothing to stop me from taking as my purpose in life (for now) to reach out in the virtual world and try to touch a few of these people, or hold them through a crisis. Just make their lives less lonely. Because despite the depths I’ve sunk to at times, there are people out there with worse problems, for sure. I read about their lives all the time.
What helped me as well was a handsome black mental health worker coming to see me on Friday evening. We had a great conversation and he made me laugh, he was so easy to talk to (yes, I fancied him a bit, nothing wrong with that lol!) He knew I’d been suicidal and obviously was trying to give me a bit of ‘pep’. He didn’t see any reason why I shouldn’t find a partner, nor did he agree that I was a terrible failure as a mother. ‘Are your children alive?’ he asked. And yesterday, armed with some new self-esteem, I wandered among the crowds of the West End in Central London and just took time to look at and appreciate the human beings around me. Like me, they’re not all attractive. Like me, they are flawed. Like me, they fail, daily. Like me they go through suffering. On the Tube I did the same. My body language spoke to them, because it communicated openness, peace and friendliness, I noticed guys noticing me and realised I have things to offer despite everything. To the right person.
Even the S nightmare was not all such a terrible thing, because there was some genuine connection, I ended up knowing SO MUCH about this guy, more than his other friends, he told me that himself. I learned a lot from the time we spent together and no one can take away from the fact that in my time of greatest need I tried to help another needy person get through their days. I still care about him and I haven’t lost the relationship just because I might not be able to see him again, I carry the knowledge and love I had for him inside and want the best for him. Along with what he took from me, he gave me that gift. I feel no resentment toward him.
Some of us have to find our own ‘jobs’, ‘purpose, whatever. And I have the wherewithal to do that by helping people in the capacities that I can. I can build this up slowly with baby steps and progress to doing more in my community with real life people, if appropriate. Talking online in other words is helping me build my confidence in a very real way.
People, pain and helping them through it is my purpose, in a nutshell. I honestly don’t think there could be a better one.
Okay, I’m glad I was still able to express all this today A. I didn’t know if it would just be a flash in the pan, but I believe not. Feelings like anxiety and deep depression can’t kill the spirit inside me. It will always resurge, and I know that’s probably not a word.
Let me sign this with love, because I feel it for you, my friend and mentor.
Am I Still Ill? 