Am I Still Ill?

Art Mixed Media was a lot of fun again this morning. One of the cool things about it is that you can’t really go too badly wrong with it, collage can consist of many different layers, so if you f*** it up you can always add more, paint over it, sandpaper it down etc and the piece can really grow organically, it’s not for the super-controlling though cos you often don’t know how it will end up looking, all you will know is whether you like your work or not.

It’s the perfect class for a bit of therapeutic activity, almost like being in a nursery for adults: pretty much all the materials are laid on and you just get to play to your heart’s content.

This has got to be the hottest day of the year so far, 32 degrees C was forecast. It’s sweltering but now the sun has gone in and it’s looking like the sky might sweat a few drops.

I’m back at the homestead with M, intermittently enjoying the garden. We’re getting on very well at the moment on the whole. Still codependent I guess. And still crazy …. after all these years. We’ve taken to early morning walks which is a healthy development, good for both of us.

I can reliably report to you that this morning at about five the weather was balmy, dewy and soft as velvet, with a gorgeous sunrise. The roads are your own, way less people to get in your way, early mornings have got to be the best kept secret there is, in fact it might be some sort of conspiracy I wouldn’t wonder, cause if everyone did it it would rather defeat the object…

I don’t feel a lot like socialising on the whole at the moment. Too much anxiety over my son with a corresponding labile mood, quite often feeling spaced out and dreamy makes it hard to commit myself to arrangements for tea etc.

I fought shy of a full on relationship for years because of some bad experiences in my early twenties, not to mention a difficult upbringing with two parents locked into open warfare much of the time. I pretty much deliberately chose someone who wasn’t quite available or quite committed. Now I’ve gone the other way. I chose someone who wasn’t married but free and single. Someone who doesn’t s*** his pants when the word commitment is mentioned but quite often brings up the topic himself.

It’s a big deal folks, I can’t pretend it isn’t. Sorry if I’m a bore about M. I think it’s for real, six months in. He stuck with me through mania and that’s about as tough a test as any relationship can endure…

And I’m not the kind of woman who lives happily on her own.

So far so narcissistic folks. Lots love Zoe XXX