Am I Still Ill?

Hi again. My son is in school today (praise the Lord!) after a rather strange misunderstanding whereby the staff at the Home thought he had left the building with another young person and was staying out all night. Turns out he was in his bed the whole time.

I feel strangely lighter this morning. Grateful and happy that I’ve got M. For all his faults he actually wants to be my partner on a full time basis. Maybe it will work, only time will tell.

Psychs etc don’t tend to argue with people’s delusions, I think it’s not thought to be good form as they may just become alienated and even more entrenched in their ideas.

I on the other hand have been arguing a little with M’s delusions. His hellfire and damnation religious views and belief in his specialness in the eyes of God etc really grate on me badly at times. I’m not his psych or mental health professional, I actually have to live with his beliefs every day, and that isn’t easy but I was drawn to him as toward some kind of kindred spirit because I had similar delusions myself when I was manic.

But that’s far from being all there is. He’s complex and interesting. He’s had an interesting life (to me anyway) and tells me lots of stories about it.

I don’t tell so many stories. I am the quieter one, who holds so much inside. Sometimes he says I am in denial of how things really are. What happened to me etc. I think he may well have a point. I can’t come to terms with harsh facts very well. It’s like it’s easier to invent my own reality and then go and get lost in it for months on end. With consequences that are not hard to predict.

I’m making vegan sushi. Haven’t attempted that for a while. Hope I can get it to hold together nice and tight, even tho’ I’m using brown sushi rice.

I’ve started sketching M. He makes a great model. Also yesterday was my first class in Art Mixed Media…using all kinds of other materials to put together collages and such like. I managed it, though I nearly chickened out of going.  I knew one of the other students already so that was reassuring. No one was particularly scary.

And next week I have put myself down to work two days at the local day centre, cooking veggie meals for about twenty. I want and need my bank balance to start looking a bit healthier, I just hope it won’t be too stressful. I’ve done it before but I’m don’t feel quite as strong as I did then.

Lots love, Zoe XXX