Am I Still Ill?

Demons can still get into my head and they proved it yesterday. My Mum’s anxiety over my son threw me into a tailspin of worry and doubt. Her reality challenged mine to a fight, and for a little while it won.

The moments of dark despair soon passed. But the intensity of it wrestled any complacency I might feel about my life now to the floor.

There is a part of me that still cosies up to ideas of death, a la Biggie Smalls and so many other hip hop artists who are pretty much gods to me. I have never acted on suicidal thoughts and never will, but I have no fear of death itself, only possibly the pain that might be involved in the manner of passing.

Those mind demons are alive and well, tho’ they give me long breaks when they only seem to want to attack my body.

I’m not alone any more. But no partner, however wonderful, miraculous and much-loved, can be proof against private torment.

We live for our music and each other, but out of the two of us, I’m the most fearless without a doubt.

Lots love. Z X