Am I Still Ill?

I’m so happy folks. So happy.

How do you write interestingly or entertainingly about happiness?

Now out of hospital (have been for nearly two weeks). Much calmer and doing a fine job of ‘out-norming the normals’ (which has been my goal for many years).

But I can be honest here. I’m far from most people’s definition of normal, even if they knew what that was, and let’s face it , it’s notoriously hard to define.

M and I are loved up beyond belief. I’ve watched him change and grow in the months we’ve been together. Demonic attacks on him are still a daily occurence. But it’s nothing like it was.

He’s begun to trust me.

We went for yet another pregnancy test yesterday and like all the others, it was negative. It’s always his idea to go for these tests. I don’t trust doctors and medical procedures as a rule, a tradition passed on to me by both my parents, bless them.

If it was up to me I wouldn’t care a damn to be honest. I’m a wholly indoctrinated environmentalist (thank you Richard, for all those years of schooling!) I am not out to increased the already unbearable burden on this poor long-suffering planet of 0urs.

But it was something M wanted. He has three kids by different women and has been largely kept out of their lives to a greater or lesser extent.

Then again, as we are truly not normal, and both raving nutters by our own admission, we don’t think we’re bound by normal laws of science etc in any case.  And I think that whatever he wants, he should have or will get.

We don’t see much of other people. We aren’t making much effort to see friends etc.

I never had anyone in my life that I could be with 24/7 like that without fearing a mental breakdown. When you meet your soul partner and you know that’s what they are, it’s different.

My poor long suffering mother, at 79, finds us a bit hard to take I think it’s fair to say. When we see her in person she warms and can be quite sweet. But then she retrenches to her former position if I talk to her on the phone. She finds every possible reason why it won’t and can’t work long term.

But this is beyond long-term and all other temporal measures, for us. It’s the eternal flame (at risk of evoking soppy song connotations). I confess we both listen to Magic FM quite a bit!

I’m guilty of not ever having had a life that anyone could recognise as average or conventional. I’m a mould breaker, a gentle, sensitive, homicidal revolutionary wrestling with the Tiger in my own tank.

And I found someone who was basically my male equivalent. A Desperado. Someone who suffered greatly and turned to God with a simple prayer from the heart because there was no other recourse. The parable of the Prodigal Son seems to be about M.

Reader I’m gonna marry him. One day when we find a way of living without state benefits.

We’re both weird, high-maintenance, many-faceted with a history of failed relationships with other people. Both of us were very attractive to the opposite sex, but paradoxically found ourselves getting regularly dumped or just taken advantage of until we decamped.

We find out new stuff about each other (and ourselves) every day.

To quote the Smiths. ‘No it’s not like any other love. This one is different because it’s us’.

And everyone thinks they know us.

There we are folks. I tried to describe happiness, but it’s next to impossible, and I’ve probably just annoyed hell out of you instead.

Lots love, and thanks for reading. X