Am I Still Ill?

Actually I’ve changed my mind about the two husbands thing, lol. One is probably more than enough and I am essentially very monogamous. Craving another person in my life (well, Ezra in particular) was probably a thing of the moment…I guess I felt a bit deprived because Solly still went out a fair bit and when he is here, he’s actually pretty quiet and even rather boring these days. And Ezra was a much less aggressive personality, his high intelligence appealed to me and his emotional availability. I thought I needed him but he’s started to seem somewhat irrelevant now.

It’s Solly’s birthday today. He didn’t seem to have fixed plans. I had toyed with the idea of deliberately ignoring it as payback for how he ignored me on my birthday except at the eleventh hour, but hey. I’m not a grudge-bearer. And it’s a big one…thirty today.

Luckily, though having been broke for a few days I have sufficient funds now to pay for the essentials plus maybe a little extra.

I’ve had to be extremely patient with Solly over the time we’ve been together, a year and five months now. But deep inside I somehow knew that it would pay off in the end. And I have seen him take great strides. The changes in him are phenomenal but of course, all the potential was there to begin with and just needed drawing out.

Really it was more about removing the obstacles in the way to his success and growth.

I am pretty much an exorcist. I do draw out people’s demons, that’s my nature and I don’t even know I’m doing it a lot of the time.

It’s two-way, for once. He’s drawn out my demons in return. I’m largely at peace with myself and my life now. There’s something truly magical about this guy. There would have to be, to do what he’s done. Love is not a feeling, it’s not words or romantic gestures. It’s action. By their fruits you will know them. And my partnership with Solly has borne more fruit than I ever would have dreamed possible.

I can never be with anyone else.

He has another court case toward the end of this month. Occasionally his paranoia about it will surface. I get mad if he tries to involve me in any way as it truly is not my beef. I’ve been clear with the police from the outset that I was not interested in pursuing any charges for the beating he gave me. There was no lasting damage, my face healed very quickly and I’m as good as new now. I would be utterly devastated if he were to be sent to jail and I can’t pretend I have no qualms.

But I’ve said to him that in all honesty the conflict is within himself more than with the courts, criminal justice, me or anything else. Does he feel guilty to the point where he has to pass sentence on himself and spend a few months behind bars?

Honestly, I don’t think so. Up to this point when confronted he has chosen to lie and say he didn’t do it, passing the blame to me for some unspecific transgression.

He’s very cautious and risk-averse in some ways and quite the opposite in others. It’s anyone’s guess which will win or lose the day if they do insist on him going to court for this which I guess is on the cards. He’s been to court so many times before and got so much ‘previous’ that they will expect him to show.

Honestly he can paint me as the worst person alive, it means nothing to me if it can get him off but there’s a danger they will see straight through it so it will go worse for him. Sometimes honesty is the best policy. Showing vulnerability can work in your favour in these situations. I think that is his best bet. He should admit to being involved in a close and quite passionate relationship with me (hmm, part of his bail conditions were that he shouldn’t try to see me so that’s awkward admittedly).

It’s dumb that my not having wanted to bring any charges from the getgo wouldn’t be listened to and paid heed and respect. They should know that it would be most severe and unusual punishment for ME if he were to go to jail (and from there possibly even be deported). I would willingly appear in court if it would help. I would willingly write more letters, I would willingly do ANYTHING pretty much to let him walk free. But he never seems to want my involvement in any of his legal affairs.

My instinct is this. He continues to feel guilt and shame about his past conduct. He’s a lot less conflicted than he was for sure but frankly, that guilt and shame is genuine because there is no question he has behaved badly toward me not just on that occasion but on many many others since we’ve been together (threatening and aggressive behaviour around me, literally kicking my door open and refusing to leave, extortion and theft not to mention constant lies and general pisstaking of the first degree).

I don’t think the guilt and shame extends to the level of wanting to put himself behind bars though. The thought of it fills him with horror now despite his bravado on previous occasions, once texting me ‘go fuck yourself bitch I’m not scared to go to jail’ lol.

He has to make peace with himself.

Also I guess he has to accept that we’re together and the world will eventually have to know that.  Up to now his go-to ‘defence’ was to deny involvement with me and he is still ultra secretive about our relationship. He barely acknowledges what’s gone on between us even to me for heaven’s sake. Hence his difficulty about allowing me to appear at court. It would mean going public in a very big way and changing the habits of a lifetime…fessing up to who he really is and not just telling them either what he thinks they want to hear or manipulating them into overlooking his transgressions.

Solly is a one-man battleground. Somehow he has to become his own general and lay his own demons to rest for once and for all. I can only offer support at the sidelines and ultimately have no control over whatever he decides.