Am I Still Ill?

Hi Peeps. time to update you just a bit.

Truth is a fair bit of my life right now is simply X-rated and unreportable on this blog! Shame, but there we are. Family members could read it, the law could read it, I have other people’s confidentiality to consider also.

What can I tell you dear peeps?

I have been a bit naughty with the ol’ substances lately. Not been to the Recovery Service this week because of that really, though my key worker from there did hit me up yesterday and we had a nice chat, he;’s very understanding and clued up. He could tell I was still ‘high’ so he said he would check in with me again today when I’ve come down a bit.

Well I did experience the comedown late yesterday and no it wasn’t too pretty. But let’s face it I am no stranger to comedowns in any case, substances or not! Actually the comedowns from mania are pretty much the worst thing in my world. It’s a bit like a suicide attempt gone wrong. You lie down with the empty pill bottle, drift into blissful unconsciuousness thinking at last it’s all over and I can have peace, then maybe a nice little near death experience where you’re all blissed out and about to meet God. Then bam! The medical team bring you around in a hospital ward and you’re back on Planet Earth with a bump, cursing the miserable fate that brought you here and in an even worse situation than before because of what you tried to do.

I might add at this point, for the record, that I have never attempted suicide. Unless you count some absurdly half-assed moves like trying to drown myself in a sink (lol) while banged up in hospital in a mixed state.

It’s early morning here, thank the gods I at least got five or so hours of natural sleep, having been completely sleepless for the previous 24 hours. I am relieved I went with my gut and didn’t take on a commitment to voluntary work at this particular juncture in my life. It would only have added to the stress and pressure, and I hate letting people down. My life is so trippy, most of my energy goes into enduring or struggling to ‘manage’ it and not run into too much trouble along the way. Basically it’s survival mode 99% of the time. And no it’s not because of wilful reckless behaviour either. That’s simply the hand I was dealt when I succumbed to the ravages of a serious bipolar disorder with frequent episodes of psychosis that don’t necessarily get controlled by psychiatric drugs.

To be honest I could sum it up in very few words. They (the system) do their best to drive you mad and then lock you up for it. Same applies to many people in the prison system. We’re all deviants just locked into a struggle to survive in this often ruthless and dangerous world. We do what we feel we must and then take the consequences. I’m a criminal too, my crimes are thinking my own thoughts instead of what has been planted there by the powers that be. To be an authentic human being is probably to be a criminal de facto, and I’m sure I’m not the first person to have observed that.

Well I get paid today. I have someone staying with me at the moment, kind of a house guest. He needed asylum and a roof over his head. He is conscientious about contributing to the household expenses wherever he can and is definitely not a piss taker, but God knows he has an awful lot on his plate. I tend to be drawn to such people, like attracts like. I have nothing in common with people with very nice lives who go on facebook to brag about them. People in crisis attract me like a bee to a honeypot. Naturally it doesn’t make for an easy life but at least there is plenty of common ground, empathy, understanding.

Have been hanging out with M a lot and we’ve thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company. It’s a bit like when we first got together only with no sex involved. Just two free spirits bouncing off each other, laughing at anything and everything and gathering strength from being together ‘us against the world’. Even when we were together I used to call him my ‘gay best friend’ and it’s still very much like that even though M is very far from gay. But he is not afraid to show vulnerability and has a highly developed feminine side. Being with him always was and still is, a bit like tripping.

I still have no real life close female friends and do not miss them. The whole saga with A (see the Equals story circa 2010) affected my trust in women. There seems to be a difficult dynamic in many of my female friendships, where I somehow feel they make excessive demands of me and I just can’t relax with them. Jealousy can also rear its ugly head, and I have frequently been ganged up on by groups of bitchy women. I honestly prefer men in just about every way possible. Love my mum as much as the next person of course, she is the only female friend I need (oh, and the cat). I’m just not a girly, hen night, ladies who lunch kind of gal. I feel no privation over the matter because I get a lot of emotional support and affection from male friends… whether ‘with benefits’ or without.

Just my thoughts for today.