Am I Still Ill?

I was just ruminating a little on The Suicide Project about the need to reincarnate without the inconvenience of death in between.

C’mon, haven’t we all wished to do this, even the youngest and most objectively ‘beautiful’ of us?

Manic depression teaches you many valuable life lessons. It even teaches powers over life and death.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a particular body because it actually serves some current purpose in our lives, whether we are aware of it or not.

I’ll give you a ‘for example’. I am currently as ugly as I have ever been! Something happened to me as soon as I hit fifty. In my forties I was still a passably attractive woman and had my fair share of admirers.

But I quite simply got bored with being admired!

Lies. Bullshit.

I was PREYED upon for my looks throughout my life. While ‘manic’ I looked very radiant and beautiful and was endlessly taken advantage of having seemingly lost the ability to say ‘no’.

Which makes my tangential brain reflect on all the stories I read daily from young women who consider themselves hideous. It has a name, Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

Could it be that these young women are similarly turning their backs on the predators of the world by ‘recasting’ themselves as hideous and not fit for the public gaze?

I don’t wanna be gazed at by the public either. And reincarnation has taken care of that for me. So I am Ugly. And Proud.

But I will go back to my original self when the time is right. It will be my choice then and I will be fully in control.

Plus, beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder. We love our ugly old grandmothers. They have a radiance about them because of all the love they have showed us (if they did). Charisma often builds in later life as well. I was called ‘charismatic’ for the first time a few days ago – and the person had never laid eyes on me, just knew my writings on the Suicide Project.

It was an interesting compliment to get, because I notice I had a tendency to repel people and end up deeply lonely and isolated. So it was kind of ironic. My online persona is far more powerful than my physical presence can ever be.

Just some late-night ruminations from the keyboard of someone who has nothing better to do with herself.