Am I Still Ill?

Hello M. Thanks for your letter. I’ve just written back and enclosed a postal order for £15. This will have to be enough for your radio. I’m not sending any more! I found it’s not possible to send one in. Good luck with that. I can totally understand the need for some music etc.

As I’ve said before, try and use this time to work on yourself M. That’s partly why criminals are in jail. To give them time to ponder the error of their ways! Or as a cynic might say – to work toward a PhD in crime. I expect it’s what you make of it.

I thought you might have some idea of what sort of time you’re likely to serve. It seems not. That can’t make it easier on you – the uncertainty.

I haven’t got much left to say to you M, and I really don’t know if I’ll visit again. You were lovely to me sometimes but looking back I feel you had an agenda and that you conned and brainwashed me, hooking me in while I was psychotic and vulnerable. I don’t think you experience empathy or remorse, nor do you have normal attachments. I saw you walk away from me multiple times without a care in the world. No grieving. No hurt. Easy come, easy go, just like the car!

So I know you’ll be fine without me. And I need to put my own needs first. If that means no contact with you, that’s what it means. Sorry to go into such personal stuff in an email. It does look cold and hard in print, but I thought you might need an explanation of why you need to look elsewhere for support while you’re in there.

I know you’re very alone, but you have chosen to be that way at the end of the day. I would not last five minutes in your shoes. I said in my letter I have no sympathy for you, but I can manage a bit of pity. Your life is pretty horrible. I’m sorry.

Z

Just had your letter M. I am trying to cut my contact with you, in an effort to protect my own sanity and mental and emotional balance. Yesterday I sent off a letter with £15 for you to buy a radio. I feel my responsibility to you ends there. Actually it never existed in the first place, but thinking how I would feel locked up with no radio, tobacco, and no visits I wanted to help you out there. That’s called empathy M. Something you appear to totally lack.

Will your family help you out do you think? I don’t know why you wanted to alienate your Mum and brother to such a degree, but why couldn’t you have thought of all this before you did such a crazy thing (starting with your relapse onto cannabis)??

I might have known you would bust a gut to justify yourself and excuse your behaviour. Sorry, but there’s no excuse whatsoever. A fight, that I could understand. The fact that you were carrying the knife says it all. It’s no longer about self-defence. It was a really nasty, cowardly attack. I’m frankly ashamed of you, and instead of self-justifications and a self-pity party about your childhood, you really would do well to feel ashamed of yourself. You obviously have no remorse. Yet you will pretend to the judge that you do no doubt.

Haha M, you try to make out I had a ‘fight’ with the Romanians and they ‘had to’ hide my kitchen knives from me! In your dreams! You’re just attempting to drag me down to your level, as you did throughout our so-called relationship. Not up for that anymore mate.

Well, nice try. I’m not buying your version of events, nor your words of love, so save your breath to cool your porridge (hah!)

Z