Hello folks. I’m blogging from my mum’s house. My son J has been staying with her for a couple of months after things hit the rocks when he stayed at my place.
My son J is in social work parlance ‘a looked after child’. However, at age 15 he took things into his own hands and returned to us, his birth family. He is still officially under a ‘full care order’.
My son J is a ‘troubled teen’. My son J is a ‘school refuser’. He is showing signs of nascent mental health problems. Withdrawing socially. Developing a nocturnal pattern whereby he sleeps all day and comes alive at night. My son is a bit of a mess. His mess has naturally become mine, and my mother’s.
My mother has been amazing. For possibly the first time in my entire life I give her full credit for all she has done and all she is still doing for those she loves. But she is visibly cracking under the strain of looking after a boy who just seems to reject pretty much everything life has to offer…
J is quite abusive to me, saying I am responsible for all his difficulties. He says he doesn’t like me, I depress him and so on. I am his personal scapegoat and I have taken that fully on board and pretty much believed it, feeling like the worst person imaginable.
That’s just what depression does.
Today his social worker came down from Haringey and spent the best part of a whole day here. We also had a lengthy visit from the local GP with whom J is now registered.
I was saddened to learn that this social worker is leaving (contract come to an end). I was really fond of him and he was so humane. Another change of social worker. The last thing any of us needs, especially J.
It’s J’s sixteenth tomorrow.
As for me and M. Well that seems to be limping toward a natural end with him becoming more and more demanding, almost hysterical with resentment toward me. He believes I should be paying him to look after me.
My ‘haters’ can at least get some satisfaction from that I suppose. I remember the guy who called my son ‘long-suffering’ and someone else who thought I was ‘just an awful person’. Of course I wanted to write loads up here when I was psychotic and behaving very badly indeed so I guess not surprising that some drew those conclusions. Just glad there were only two or three, but they stuck in my mind!
I can’t tolerate a load of abuse from M and continue to stay strong and focused for my mum and J, and they have to be the priority of course.
It might help me a bit if I can come here and let you guys know how things are going. I’m living half down here and half up there for now.
Lots of love everyone,
Zoe X
Am I Still Ill? 
Comments on: "Blimey" (4)
Blimey indeed! You poor thing. 😦 But at least you and your Mum are getting on. I hope J gets a decent social worker.
Frankly, it sounds as though you’ll be a lot better off without M; one disturbed teen at a time is surely enough, especially when one of them is supposed to be an adult. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that M resents the time, energy and love you give J and is jealous. He certainly comes across as selfish. Well, tough, M, grow up, do. 😉
Thank you Bristol Michael.
I hope you don’t take everything J. says to heart, because like you said “depression does that”, and you don’t really have to believe those things that he’s saying out of anger and resentment. Those things are probably not even things he really thinks himself, and I’m sure they aren’t all true. You sound like a good mom, who tries hard, and does her best. That’s really all anyone can ask for out of a mom. I think you should try to think better thoughts about yourself, and not be so down on yourself. J does indeed sound trouble, and angry, and that is not really your fault. Many teens go through stages like that, and if he does have a mental illness himself, than you could be dealing with symptoms of a legitimate condition and not just a behavioral problem. In any case, it isn’t all your fault.
Thank you Jen Daisybee.