Am I Still Ill?

Hello blog. Yesterday was a brief window of calm.

Today the sense of hypervigilance is back.

It’s just no good telling me to ‘move on’ etc. I need therapy or counselling now, to talk this all through. But though I have been accepted and assigned a counsellor locally, because of the summer break I have to wait until September to start.

I have symptoms of IBS (diarrhoea and vomiting). I can’t cook (something I normally love to do, and greatly miss). I have been locked into ‘survival mode’ for weeks now. My stress levels are so high I continually have to seek out quiet places, and can only tolerate a limited amount of social contact.

Reading up on PTSD in response to bullying I see that my body has been in ‘fight, flight’ mode for a prolonged period. This fits with my experience. I can’t do things I have been used to doing. My heart rate is too fast. I have had symptoms of fatigue. I am hypervigilant and watch constantly for signs of rejection or victimisation. I obsess about what happened to me vis a vis my friend, my partner, and their organisation.

I have a need to have my experience validated, acknowledged and understood. It isn’t classic workplace bullying though this was a workplace, and I was an employee (albeit a volunteer). What makes it different is that I experienced a crushing betrayal by a trusted friend, and that my partner also seemed to turn against me and join in with the betrayal.

I am beginning to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. R has recognised his own need to seek help from a counsellor. He is showing signs of increasing his commitment to me. He knows that what has happened between us was a wake up call, and that change is needed.

I have already done a lot of changing. I cannot tolerate any more the dismissal of valid feelings as symptoms of an ‘illness’. I cannot deal with being demonised any more. Change has been forced on me by the circumstances.

What happened to me is ‘psychiatric injury’ not psychiatric illness.

People can and do inflict pain on one another by the way they choose to act. This pain is very real. Usually good and conscientious people (like my partner) can so easily get sucked in, adding to the victimisation.

What I ‘should’ have done, is this. Butted out of the Equals course after the first day when it was made very clear to me that I and my opinions were not welcome there (despite the fact that I had supported and encouraged them, joined them as a volunteer and helped them recruit).

As I insisted on my right to attend the course, I should not have openly voiced my opinions and views.

By voicing my opinons and views openly and assertively I made myself a target for bullying, exclusion and harassment.

Once I had been excluded, I should have slunk away into the shadows and said nothing further about the matter. If I had done this my relationship would not have been affected in the way that it was, and I would still have my close friend in my life.

‘What ifs’ are great aren’t they. Symptoms of a bereavement. In time I am going to recover from this. In time I will learn to trust again. Never will anything be the same.