Am I Still Ill?

Hi peeps. The downswing finds me finally sorting out the household tasks. I paced myself over two days and it was satisfying to get the house clean at last. I really can’t stand living in a state of disorder.

My energy levels are more normal again as the aftermath of that virus has finally abated. I can tell because I was able to do the whole yoga practice at my class for the first time since I got ill. I have cancelled my gym membership because it was money down the drain but I can still go back as and when and pay as I go. I think this is a better solution for someone with my particular unpredictable health patterns.

I’m also back shopping, cooking and eating properly, although still have less interest in food than was normal for me. That however, is actually no bad thing! Long may it last! My weight is still on the high side of my normal, somewhat fluctuating, range. Be good to get back down to the low side again.

I visited the local user network yesterday for the first time and chatted to the two paid workers there about how I might get involved. They were extremely nice. I joined the network.

I might make an appointment to go to the local volunteer office and see what they have on their books now. I worked there myself for a couple of months which gave me a pretty good overview of what was available in Haringey. Some opportunities are a lot better than others: one has to be discriminating. Alternatively I might consider going further afield, for instance to central London. Just mulling things over at the moment.

I’m supposed to be going down to my Mum’s today. I left Merlin down there with her, as I was considering going away, but now I have decided not to so I guess I’d better bring him back. Have to say Amber seems quite happy to have him off the scene for a while. Bit of peace and quiet, and she’s got me all to herself again.

I managed to write the letter to my son J and send it off but have still not managed to talk to the social worker for an update on how he is. I have repeatedly phoned and left messages but he has not been back to me.

I’m mildly low. But it’s nothing terrible. Everything is relative in life. I’ve suffered so badly with depression in the past, I really do know just how bad it can be. And also, I can see it as a necessary part of the whole process. The hypomania dragged on for so long and I wasn’t engaging with mundane (or consensus!) reality.

I won’t pretend I don’t get frustrated, or feel defeated, at times. First thing in the morning when I wake I wonder how I’ll get through the day. But getting vertical and taking on one task at a time, pacing myself, soon lifts the mood. I watch the insecure and fearful thoughts pass through my head but I do know them for what they are. Part of the condition, and not a sign of my impending doom.

Take care peeps. Lots of love, Zoe xxx