OK now, you were with me through the high. Now is the test of Bloggie Friendship. The depressed phase.
It’s also the test of little old me. As I shared with you previously I had some what seemed like valuable insights during this episode of mania and hypomania. I realised that it’s not a chemical imbalance that is making me ill. Not a lack of Sodium Valproate, Seroquel or any other bloody thing that causes the roller coaster pattern of my life. It isn’t for want of trying all of these substances.
One definition of insanity is keeping on doing the same thing and expecting different results. Well I’ve tried a lot of different things. Many of them chemical, because the nature of the beast is that I have been thoroughly caught in the psychiatric system for about seventeen years now. I’ve also gone the holistic route.
I do think that the amount of meditation I did over the ten day retreat over Xmas, while it might have had a role in tipping me into mania, also helped me be more self-aware during the episode, hence the new insight.
To recapitulate what I think I have said before…it is the way I’m living my life that is precipitating the manic depression. I am living against my own nature. My nature is gregarious, sociable, loving to communicate and commune with others. Much of the time I cut myself off from others and from my own nature out of fear.
Fear of being swamped by the weight of others’ personalities and needs. Fear of the demands they might make on me. It’s essentially a boundaries issue.
I look around and notice that the happiest people I see do not seem to behave like this. With them, you don’t see this barrier. They are secure within their own healthy ego boundaries, and are therefore free to enjoy others’ company. It doesn’t have the power to pull them down.
What I need to do right now, in the depressed phase of the episode, is to allow others to lift me up, but to do my best to screen out anything that can pull me down.
What I don’t need is to allow the fear and shame most depressives feel to prevent me from enjoying others’ company. I need to proactively seek the company of people who are positive and who make me laugh. Failing that I just need to be with people. On my own life quickly seems meaningless.
Anyway it’s the ward round today. I’m going to go to my Dual Recovery Anonymous meeting first. I’ve already squared that with the nurses. I’ve said I will be there around 3.30. Can see no earthly reason why that should be a problem for them in any case. And I need the DRA meeting.
Contact with my son on Saturday was a bit of a downer to be honest. We’ve had a lot of lovely ones lately, but this wasn’t. J seemed a bit tired and distant. It was very hard to draw him out.
The paintballing, which I had been convinced he would like even if I hated it, was frankly quite scary. A lot of men in their late teens early twenties…a quasi military exercise. Paintballs, when they hit you, and I got one squarely on the top of the head, hurt. J my son is a sensible boy who doesn’t like getting hurt, so he hung back defensively. No women of my age, and only one girl. I was about as far out of my comfort zone as I could possibly be.
But at least the weather was beautiful and after we had exhausted our ammunition we left and found a very quaint old-fashioned tea shop for a comforting afternoon tea.
J hung back when it was time to say goodbye. The hug he gave me was half-hearted. I don’t know, maybe he was feeling a little down. Because I have so little time with him, this stuff makes a huge difference to how I feel. I have to undertand though, that he lives much more in the present and does not have the same need for my demonstrated affection as I do for his. Especially in the downward swing of an episode…
Yeah it’s sad. No way around that. Sadness is distinct from depression though.
Much love peeps. I won’t apologise for having been manic. It isn’t my fault. But thank you for the act of affirmation you give me by reading. It means more to me than you can know. Zoe.
Am I Still Ill? 
Comments on: "Hi darlings…" (4)
*hugs*
Sorry you are feeling down again. A bit of a difficult one regarding cutting yourself off from others because you feel that they will make you feel worse. Keep in mind that all people from time to time will be on a ‘downer’ and whilst it may sound a good idea to try and erect an emotional Berlin Wall, in practice this may make things worse, since friends will regard this as an aloof and uncaring attitude. What might be better (and I know this is easier said than done), is to try and accept friends with issues, but at the same time set specific boundaries as to how far you can tolerate them and make it clear to them why you are doing this – they may appreciate it more if you tell them up front, In addition you may feel better knowing that you are not the only one with problems. Take Care.
Hi Zoe, I agree wholehearted with the ‘living against your own nature’ phrase. It fuels the whole bubble again.
Keeping in touch with people, while occasionally aggravating, is better I think, than seclusion.
And never apologise for what you can’t help.
Take care, David.
Thanks for the hugs Seaneen.
Sir Bob, thanks for your thoughtful comment. It isn’t that I dream of only ever being around happy, beaming people (ugh, perish the thought!), and rejecting those who are down or have issues. A quick survey of my real life friends would soon confirm that! In any case I would quickly find myself all but friendless if that were the case. What might pull me down is not necessarily other people’s issues and problems, though it might be their refusal to deal with them at times.
It’s more about me developing more healthy ego boundaries, so that others’ issues don’t automatically become mine, and my responsibility to solve or fix. This is my stuff, not my friends’ and associates’.
I aim to be much more approachable, friendly and accessible to all that I meet. The kind of person who makes, AND KEEPS, friends easily, and doesn’t regard them as something of a burden. That isn’t fair on either them or me.
Thanks David, for your affirmation of what I’ve said. Wot, you mean I’m not completely mad then? Good show! Love, Zoe xxx