Time for an update. This week I have been so depressed I have not been able to work. I am hardly able to walk, even. When I go out I walk slowly and painfully along the road like a much older woman. Could not do yoga.
Things I still do. Get up in the morning. Wash and dress. Take baths. Cook. Eat. Feed and pet cats. Water plants. Go out because if I stay in too long it becomes unbearable and I need to be around people even though I also experience pain in their presence. Look at email and look up stuff about personality disorders, social phobia and various sorts of therapy that might offer me a little chink of hope, however small.
I am nothing if not resourceful.
But emotionally I am one big mess.
I am going back into the Crisis Unit. It is only a few months since I was last there. But I had run out of resources and Things to Do to feel in any way safe.
Have been thinking about how much I have always hated my dad. How I could find nothing redeemable in him. That I perceive him as sub-human, in that respect. I basically prefer Hitler to my father. He was a vegetarian animal-lover remember! In the case of my dad there is no balance in my emotional response.
I guess I am still, emotionally, reacting as that vulnerable young child. No, actually, I don’t know. What I do know is, this hatred is corroding ME. It can’t harm my dad in any way as he is four years dead. I feel so very stuck. And that, if I could begin to forgive him or at least see his humanity, I might be freed from my own harsh self-judgment.
Have I got PTSD, BPD or Social Anxiety?
Been shopping around for therapeutic possibilities. And I am prepared to pay! Let’s face it, therapy after two years on another NHS waiting list is not a lot of bleeding use to me right now. I just know that I can’t do this alone. I need affirmation, and hope.
Good to talk to you, peeps. Love, Zoe.
Am I Still Ill? 
Comments on: "Black Dog Tired" (14)
Hi Zoe
I hope it isn’t inappropriate to message you. Firstly, well done for being prepared to do something about the way you are feeling – and good luck from someone who has felt the same crippling darkness as you have.
I am hopoing to write a book on depression, and would really appreciate having a chat with you at some point about what sort of thing you would find helpful, your personal expereinces etc.
Don’t worry if you don’t want to, but if you do drop me a message.
Thanks,
lauren
p.s. the book outline is here: http://iwanttowriteabook.wordpress.com – feel free to see what you think of the idea before you reply.
Sorry things are so rubbish for you at the moment. I wish there was some way that I could help but I cant think of anything. Thinking of you, Hannah X
*waves*
Thanks Lauren. I will try and message you soon: I think your idea is good. For obvious reasons I am not getting a lot done.
Thanks Hannah. I know what you mean but it’s good to know you are reading anyway.
Hi La, waving back.
I second Hannah’s thoughts, and hope you will come through this soon. As a newbie to your blog, I’m impressed by the elegance of thought that seems to define your writing style, and am looking forward to reading more in the future.
Thank you Stormgazer, that is a lovely compliment. I have been to your blog and loved your pic of the cow and what you said about her.
Good luck to you. You seem to have the first step licked and that is recognizing the problem.
Some reading I find quite helpful is Theresa over at “Beyond Blue”. I don’t know if you allow links, so I didn’t put one in here. All you have to do is google it. She’s easy to find. It’s basically about her journey out of depression.
Along with a personality disorder or bipolar you have a high IQ, you know that, don’t you? This may be folksy, but in my life I have noticed several instances of individuals with high IQs just having a hard time meshing into society or getting along. I don’t know why this is, I have just noticed it.
I don’t know exactly the level of the pain with your father. I can say there have been a couple people in my life whom I am actually glad are dead, awful as that sounds. If they are in your dreams, however, or your thoughts, it can be maddening.
Hope you feel better soon.
Thank you Ladybeams. I will definitely check out your recommendation. There are so many undiscovered treasures out there on what Mental Patient calls the Madosphere!
Lovely to hear from you, as always, Annette. I’m afraid that is exactly how I feel about my dad! He unfortunately lives on inside my head!
I’m dying to hear how you are getting on with your kitten by the way…I have one too now. Posted pics a few weeks back.
Lots of love, Zoe.
A while back on your old blog, you said that I (and my ‘cohorts’) had ‘essentially grown up in a different world to the one I did’. I commented there but I don’t think you replied; so I’m still wondering, what’s my separate world?
Thanks!
Suzy x
Sorry Suzy, that I never elucidated. I guess I just meant, we didn’t grow up with computers! I read a lot, spent a lot of my time at the riding stables, hanging out with friends. I think we tended to have a lot more freedom in some ways. I am forty-six. Obviously things have changed a great deal since the seventies when I was a teen. No blogging, Internet, forums, mobile phones, Ipods or My Space. That’s all I meant. So when I read yours and other younger women’s blogs I notice that you are very savvy around the medium and that you express yourselves with ease and facility which I admire very much.
Hope I didn’t offend you! Take care, and thanks for commenting. Sorry that I didn’t answer your question before. Zoe
OK, thanks for clarifying; I got to admit I was concerned. But personally, I don’t think an ability to express yourself necessarily comes with internet access; I just spend a lot of time writing. I’m still able to spend time reading, to spend time with my friends, even though I have a blog. I mean, my life is not one long, endless bout of post-writing or friend-adding… and I’m not even going to add ‘would that it were’.
Basically, while the internet is a great thing, I don’t know if I’d say I’m growing up in a new world. 🙂
Suzy x
I take your point Suzy. Writing and expressing yourself on a blog are two activities which have much in common. But the fact that I thought I was complimenting you and it came across to you as something else (maybe dismissive, patronising or a backhanded compliment) highlights to me that with the high level of interactivity and the instant nature of the Internet there is often a danger of being misunderstood or misinterpreted.
And when I mentioned your ‘cohorts’ I wasn’t suggesting that there are loads of other young women out there doing exactly the same thing as you, it really was just a (somewhat envious) reference to your fanbase and all the people who comment and link to you!
It was a throwaway remark. I will try to express myself more clearly in future! And once more for the record, I very much admire your writing. 🙂
That’s OK! I spend aaaages hovering over Submit Comment buttons because I fret so much about how people will take it; but I misinterpret just as often in real life as online. Probably more, because in real life I’ve got actions and tone of voice and facial expression to pick over and dissect and conclude everybody hates me from.
You got on the wrong side of my hyperactive paranoia, I’m afraid. 😉
Thank you for the compliments… 😳
Suzy x