Am I Still Ill?

Public Forum for Haringey Mental Health

You might by now be gently frowning to yourself wondering what it is with Zoe and Haringey … especially, if, like Torah, you are commenting from a land down under!

Well I guess part of my inspiration for ‘keeping it local’ comes from the ‘sustainable’ movement, devolution, growing and eating local food and so on.

Another powerful motivator is my love of my local borough where I have lived happily for sixteen years …together with my well-documented reservations about its local government!

One more for good measure, is my experience as a mental health service user and the solidarity and sympathy I have long felt with others in the same position. Goddammit, I CARE about these people! And know personally hundreds.

Charity begins at home ‘they’ tell us. But this isn’t charity. Unless in a very particular, old-fashioned sense that’s a million miles from celebrity ambassadors to war torn and famine-wracked parts of the world.

For me it wrenches my heart over and over and over again to witness the sufferings of ‘my kind’, as they struggle to piece their lives back together with often such pitifully poor and misguided ‘help’ from those who are paid to do the job.

My position (and here’s what I mean by ‘a stuck record’, Katy!) is that service users are the ones best placed to help each other … without patronisation, without compounding the original offence (adding insult to injury) and CERTAINLY without joining forces with the Enemy (mentioning no names Equals!)

Those of us at a more advanced stage of recovery are perfectly well able to assist those currently in crisis, or permanently ‘less able’.

On the basis that ‘the wounded healer’ is often the most effective.

It’s OK guys. Just call me ‘a visionary’ or, if you prefer, ‘ahead of my time’.

But apparently not so far ahead of my time that I can find a smiley when I want one! You’ll just have to make do with this ; )

Shadow Coached!

Hi Peeps. I was a lucky girl today. I had a very special visit from a very special couple, A and P.

When not teaching English and Italian on Skype, one of the things A likes to do is ‘shadow coaching’. Now of course, this is a relatively new concept to me. Not an especially easy one to explain.

But what happened with A and P at my house today was enormously healing. They are partners in life as well as work and complement each other remarkably well. The ‘yin and the yang’.

Suffice to say, I played them quite a bit of hip hop and a little R and B in the process of explicating (funny word!) what sort of person I am, what my personal ‘vision’ for myself is, what floats my boat and gets me all passionate, etc.

And their job (A did most of the talking, but P was an equally valuable presence, quiet, calm and containing) is to affirm me, draw out my dream so that I’m not all alone with it, and encourage further exploration of ‘the self’ I am trying to inhabit more fully and more powerfully.

Music turned out to be an absolute revelation. There was so much I simply couldn’t express in words, and playing a hip hop track or whatever was a fantastic way of illustrating my meaning.

One aim of the work we are doing (and really a relatively minor one, actually) is to produce some pictures of me showing the ‘process’ that has taken place. I would probably see in the eventual pics parts or aspects of myself that I never had before. It’s really ‘a spiritual makeover’ and there’s no nudity involved you’ll be grateful to hear!

It was way better than any counselling or therapy session could ever be. I can honestly say I have never experienced being so held.

I want to facilitate a creative workshop where we use music…our favourite tracks etc … to illustrate our personalities and emotions, as I was able to do today!

Sound good to you, reader? And if you want to be ‘shadow coached’ I can put you in touch with A, after I’ve run it by her of course.

Calling Haringey Mental Health Service Users

1st Floor Excel House,

312 High Road,

London N15 4BN

light refreshments

Contact details:

Tel: 020 8275 4639

hun@mhacs.co.uk

Answers on a Postcard Please…

Or can I phone a friend?

Can anyone tell me. Why yesterday I had 400 hits. And today 250. And still have so few regular commenters?

Is it what I someone told me before? That youse can’t think what to say?

Is it ’cause I can’t be bothered with categories and tags? (Have actually tried, and failed, to use them).

Are you just not interested in debating mental health with a real live service user? Who will answer questions? And ain’t afraid to put myself out there?

Are you afraid to share your own experience, folks?

Pay a visit to Seaneen’s blog at The Secret Life (on my blogroll). She regularly gets fifty plus comments per post. Which shows you the power of blogging for creating democratic forums where people can share whatever’s on their mind.

What I want for this blog (you gotta have a vision, folks!) is community.

Haringey service users, professionals, carers and other interested parties. I’ll ask you one more time. This blog is where we get to set our (mental health) world to rights. Don’t let me keep on whistleblowing in the dark!

You don’t have to be Shakespeare. Just have something to share. We love you. You won’t get trolled or abused here. It’s a safe space. The Big Bad Wolf won’t come for you.

Katy,  J and I extend a warm invitation to you to come over for a pot of tea and cake.

Kisses. Z

Love Song to my Ex

‘Tell me how I’m s’posed to breathe with no air…’

…Or sex…

He may look like ya classic ‘waste of space’ folks. But suffice to say, he has his uses. More than that I will not say on this blog that my teenage son could read!

‘No breathing…no breathing…’

‘No air, no air’.

‘Tell me how you gonna be without me?’

Or am I ‘expendable’ to you too?

You were not born to be celibate Richard. Why waste your greatest talent?

‘What’s love got to do with it?’ Not a lot.

‘Are we human? Or are we dancer’.

‘Close your eyes/clear your heart/cut the chord.’

‘Are we human? Or are we dancer? My sign is vital. My hands are cold. And I’m on my knees, looking for the answer. Are we human? Or are we dancer?’

Z X

And something for the weekend…

Richard. Greater love has no man for his woman than to bully her within an inch of her sweet life!

Then again. I see the look in your eyes and your longing to kiss me even as you bust a gut to harden your heart.

Ange, did you seriously believe you were my rival for my man’s heart?

C’mon. You’re taken anyway.

Credit the guy with some taste…

I have never yet run across the woman who I would stoop to scrap with over a mere man!

Remember Ange. We’re both feminists yeah?

Bein’ easily led ain’t a hanging offence Ange. It can happen to the best of us.

He wanted the job, and the kudos Ange. But he didn’t want you. He had me, remember? And why would you trade in silver for base metal?

Why would you swop real for fake?

You amuse him, is all.

It’s Zoe who loved you. Who saw your potential. Who saw your beauty, Ange.  And not in a dodgy, lesbian way either.

Even your own lawfully wedded husband has difficulty seeing your beauty, Ange. By your own admission, hon. I have my spies, and the walls have eyes.

What I struggle with is how you couldn’t see what a dream team we would have made. You and me Ange. Unbeatable. You the political head, me the creativity, vision and moral compass. We even looked good together, remember?

You can chew me up but you’ll never succeed in spitting me out, hon.

That’s love. That’s friendship. You gave me a friendship ring, remember? I still have it, though it doesn’t fit any more.

I gave you plenty yummy Lush bubbles to soak yourself in. To encourage you to spend more time alone.

Love you always and forever. And let Richard go hang! X

Pushing the Envelope

Hi folks. Now pushing the boundaries, as you expect any teenager to do.

What’s that? I’m not a teenager? Tell that to my therapist … or the hand.

Blogging from Gavin Eastley’s own Day Centre as he beavers away upstairs trying to cover his own tracks!

‘I break the law I will never change!’ (Dizzee Rascal)

Want your whole face rearranged? Then don’t mess with Zo!

I amuse myself by trying to picture Angela Salway’s face as she reads this. Which she inevitably will. Her vanity will compel her.

Never heard the expression ‘Keep your friends close but your enemies closer’ Angela? No, I don’t know what it means either.

Dunno why you wanted to make an enemy of me. It was possibly the worst decision of your entire career babe!

‘My plan is not to destroy a man but to bring more than mankind and teach’. Nas

Where do I get my ideas? That classic question from the audience at the writer’s talk in the bookshop.

From hip hop.

‘You wanna battle me?’

Come over here and comment if you think you’re hard enough!

And I … will always love you …

You dropped me like a hot potato Ange, saying ‘You didn’t need me, you had other friends’. But did you have ‘other friends’ who know as much about you as I do Ange?

Still convinced I am dispensable? Expendable? Disposable? Surplus to requirements?

Keep it up hon. You make fantastic copy.

This Was Where it all Began

We’re Not Goin to Arrest You on this Occasion…

Have just had to cope with the additional stress of a police officer coming to threaten me with arrest if I continue to (gasp!) TEXT Richard Adam.

Yes folks. The guy is THAT scared. Of texts. Has he not heard of the ‘delete’ button?

Re ‘the depths to which these cowardly and immoral bullies are prepared to stoop’. There seem to be no limits to it.

An utter tragedy then, that not one of these cowardly bullies can put pen to paper or words to a screen to defend themselves. They have to go running squawking to the law…to stop me texting.

Blogging still not against the law folks? Then I’m safe.

I told you it was mad. But it makes great copy. I just hope I won’t be blogging from a police station any time soon.

Lots love and blessings. Z X

As Promised

Hi Lynne. First, here is a link to my blog, where you can find extensive documentation of my bullying. https://amistillill.wordpress.com I am a vulnerable mental health service user, and was a volunteer for a social firm called Equals Training, run by three women, only one of whom is a mental health service user, and also a close and cherished friend of mine up until this affair.

The ‘Web Manager’ for this tiny firm www.equals.training.com was also my partner. Both these close associations went back eleven years.

They ran a course, funded at least in part, by Haringey Council. Gavin Eastley, manager of the Clarendon Day Centre was a key figure in approving this funding (I believe, some thirty thousand pounds).

Attending this course both as a participant and a volunteer (having helped with recruitment, in good faith) I found myself the target of hostility and aggression by the two ‘trainers’, neither of whom is a mental health service user. Their background is in physical disability, and the ‘firm’ pursues a pan-disability approach. I was excluded from the course as a result of expressing my own views about mental health. This happened in front of ten witnesses, nearly all mental health service users, and many either friends or otherwise well known to me.

I then over the next few months found myself ostracised, dropped by my close friend, bullied by my partner when I dared to protest, vilified in a cowardly and underhand manner (they put nothing in writing) and generally made the scapegoat for their own absurd actions (remember, this ‘firm’ is all about promoting social inclusion!) My repeated and extensive attempts to have a dialogue with them over the matter were met with total silence and stonewalling. Mental health professionals whom I asked to intervene could not seem to progress the case either.

I spent a fortnight in St Ann’s Hospital under section in April-May as a direct result of the enormous stress and strain all of this produced (quite naturally, I think you would agree). Significantly, Gavin Eastley, though I cc’d and emailed him personally many many times as well as going to his office to discuss the matter, protected his ‘proteges’ Equals throughout, and persistently failed to grasp that this went way beyond a normal ‘complaint’, beyond a ‘dispute’ and in fact was a vicious and vindictive hate campaign against a vulnerable person by an organisation…all because she dared to express a view!

Gavin Eastley therefore closed ranks with bullies against a vulnerable member of his own Day Centre who went to him for help.

I have already pursued the matter with his line manager Yvette Husbands. She seemed to have no problem seeing my point of view. As she acknowledged, it in no way challenges Gavin’s ‘need to be seen as neutral’ to arrange a mediated meeting with the ‘firm’, which is what I have asked for over and over and over again…with no success.

I therefore believe that Gavin is guilty of serious professional misconduct and malpractice…by default. Please note, my dealings with him included one visit to his office where I told him I was actively seeking information on the internet about how to kill myself. That meeting ended with me literally screaming with frustration and running from his office.

I know you to be a good ally when it comes to dealing with the shortcomings of Haringey Council, Lynne. I met you once briefly when a volunteer at the ‘Tulip’ mental health group. I worked on their reception desk for a year. I also asked for your help once before over a matter concerning my teenage son in foster care with Haringey Council.

Please help me Lynne. I know how busy you are, but I trust in your goodwill and conscientious work as an MP. Thank you.

Very best wishes and kindest regards, Zoe Vincent.

The One with the MP

Hi folks. I am taking this higher, and higher and higher…so high that the air is thin and the oxygen in short supply. The oxygen of publicity, hah!

I’ve met Lynne Featherstone and made a complaint to her before…about Haringey Children and Families. She knows and distrusts Haringey Council, so she is a perfect ally, as well as an assiduous and hardworking local MP.

Watch your a***s Gavin and his ilk!

X

Critiquing Our Services

Hello Peeps. Katy gave me the idea to write more about the Clarendon Centre here. So here goes.

Gavin, you may wonder at the vehemence of my attack on you a few posts ago. The truth is, mate, I am not just unhappy about the way you dealt with my complaint about Equals. I have also watched you run that Day Centre into the ground over these many years. Affecting the lives of so many of my service user cohorts…often to their detriment.

And even other service users will tell me ‘Ah but Gavin has no choice. He gets his orders from on high and has to obey them’. Not an excuse if it means that you deprive many of the most disadvantaged people in this borough of what little comfort and resources they had Gavin.

Only last night I had a friend on the phone to me complain about how you spoke to her Gavin. She attends the Day Centre. She observes many sharp practices and double standards in action. The Day Centre has its ‘favourite’ volunteers, who apparently are allowed to earn over the legal limit for people on benefits. Others like her, find themselves continually watched and criticised.

OK, I don’t know whether or not you are doing this. But do I honestly have any reason (given my own experience) to believe that you are above a little ‘sharp practice’, Gavin? Uh uh, mate. You have chosen to make an enemy of me. You treated me with utter contempt. You patronised, and added to my distress. Gloves off, then.

Like Angela Salway and her merry band, you systematically underestimate the people in your care. You don’t see their talents, potential and abilities. You are in love with Power. You are blind to the worth and beauty of those whose rights you should be defending…but instead have violated Gavin.

It’s fairly obvious to me why Angela and co found a natural ally in you, Gavin. You are all crooks together!

One of the most offensive things about you Gavin (and I truly am spoilt for choice here!) is your attitude to service users ‘getting into work’. You place us in a double bind Gavin. On the one hand, you know that too many of us ‘movin’ on up’ is likely to deprive you of your cosy little earner. On the other, you must pay lip service, giving the distinct impression as you do, that you do not believe us capable of work.

I find this offensive on so many levels it’s dizzying.

Like Angela and co, you were simply blind and deaf to the human story I was telling you in so many cc’d and personal emails, plus the times I met with you in your office.

Gavin, y’know what? Keep on defending your proteges Equals, and sink with them , if that’s what you’re determined to do. You would not be missed. You are a consummate politician, but you are also an offender and perpetrator by virtue of what you choose to ignore. You stomp on the rights of those whose care is entrusted to you Gavin,  and the worm is turning.

Z X